Akon's boy-tossing trial

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm R&B singer Akon. In court Monday, I pleaded not guilty to pulling a 15-year-old boy up onto the stage and throwing him off the stage after he threw something at me during a concert in June. And a woman said she suffered a concussion when the boy landed on her. Now, I'm facing up to a year in jail. What advice do you have for my next court appearance?


Dear Akon,

Since you grew up partly in Senegal, your best bet in this case is the "culture" card. In court, you should tell this story, word for word: "Back in Senegal, lifting a person off the ground is the equivalent of a hug, and throwing that person onto someone else's head starts a hugging chain. When that third person shakes off the concussion and snaps his or her neck back into place, he or she is thrown onto someone else's head. The chain continues this way until everyone has been thrown onto at least one other person's head and vice versa. It's how my parents met. (choking back tears) After all these years, they still jump onto each other's heads every night."

The Star Savior