Episode 1

This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:

-- Rapper T.I. gets advice about his child-support lawsuit

-- Lance Bass gets advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion

-- I reach out to Star Jones after her divorce is finalized

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to additional episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)

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T.I.'s child-support rap

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Lance Bass' reunion dream

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make this reunion work?

Dear Lance,

To make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all the time: his success. So get rid of that.

One of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing simplifies a busy life like addiction.

Since Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't offer wedding registries.

You could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where they cut coke lines for guests.

You could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific when you ask for an ice sculpture.

Of course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Star Jones

Dear Star Jones,

I just heard that you and Al Reynolds have finalized your divorce. I understand your wish for privacy, since the media has been all over your marriage, especially after Al's announcement that he used to be gay. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know one thing: Have you both started seeing other men?

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's falls off the wagon

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I went to rehab a few times last year, and I’ve really been trying to stay away from drinking. But I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I drank some champagne from a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party, and I drank Grey Goose vodka from a bottle and had some vodka cocktails Friday night. And I was videotaped and seen by reporters. What should I do?

Dear Lindsay,

The quick fix is for you to start doing your drinking at home, away from judging eyes and cameras. What you lose in social surroundings, you can make up for in sheer drinking volume. It’ll pay for itself after your first blackout. As the saying goes, when a drunk passes out and no one’s around, it never happened. If you’re still not sold on drinking at home, remember this: There’s no last call at home. The floor’s the limit.

The Star Savior

O.J. jailed for violating bail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson. Up until Friday, I was out on bail after being arrested for an armed robbery of my own sports memorabilia from a hotel in Las Vegas. I was sent to jail Friday for trying to call one of my co-defendants to stop him from cooperating with authorities. Was this really such a bad move on my part?

Dear O.J.,

A phone call wasn’t the best way to stop this co-defendant from working with authorities. Since you live in Florida, you should have tapped into your local voodoo community. Unlike phone calls, voodoo can’t be traced back to you, and it has no long-distance charges. On top of that, Florida’s voodoo community has an excellent tech-support team that would help set up your voodoo doll and customize a chant for your situation. The bones aren’t included, but you might know where to find some for free.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears and mental health

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. For some reason, my family members think I need mental help, and they're trying to force me into treatment, even if it takes a court order. I have everything under control, so how can I let them know I don't need to be in a mental hospital?


Dear Britney,

To let them know you're serious about handling your own mental health, put together your own in-house mental facility. The first step is to get a nice form-fitting straitjacket, preferably in a neutral color so you can accessorize. Since the straitjacket will be your foundation piece, don't be cheap and get one at Wal-Mart. Invest in quality. It'll pay for itself after two breakdowns. And have your straitjacket tailored or altered. The last thing you need during a breakdown is to worry about your straitjacket riding up. Best of all, a straitjacket only covers the upper body, so you can still skip the underwear.

The Star Savior

Akon's boy-tossing trial

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm R&B singer Akon. In court Monday, I pleaded not guilty to pulling a 15-year-old boy up onto the stage and throwing him off the stage after he threw something at me during a concert in June. And a woman said she suffered a concussion when the boy landed on her. Now, I'm facing up to a year in jail. What advice do you have for my next court appearance?


Dear Akon,

Since you grew up partly in Senegal, your best bet in this case is the "culture" card. In court, you should tell this story, word for word: "Back in Senegal, lifting a person off the ground is the equivalent of a hug, and throwing that person onto someone else's head starts a hugging chain. When that third person shakes off the concussion and snaps his or her neck back into place, he or she is thrown onto someone else's head. The chain continues this way until everyone has been thrown onto at least one other person's head and vice versa. It's how my parents met. (choking back tears) After all these years, they still jump onto each other's heads every night."

The Star Savior

Dog's N-word interview

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Duane "Dog" Chapman again. I finally did an interview about those recorded phone conversations in which I repeatedly used the "N" word in a rant about my son's black girlfriend. Here's what I said in the interview: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t know really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I’m not black at all." I think that makes it clear that I'm not racist. What do you think??


Dear Dog,

You might be onto something. If people accept what you said about not knowing you were "not black at all," you'll be free to expand beyond N-Word Town. Just make sure to explain yourself properly. Here's a freebie to get you on your feet: "When I called that lady a b*tch, I meant it as a friendly word from one woman to another. In my 54 years, I never noticed that I had man parts flopping around down there. I grew up in a home where we never looked at ourselves below eye-level. No, I was never tipped off by all the standing urination or penetrative sex with my wife."

The Star Savior

Britney Spears in Playboy?

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Britney Spears, a troubled 25-year-old pop star trying to rebuild a career. I just heard that someone at Playboy said the magazine would be happy to have me pose nude. They haven't made an offer, but I don't think I would do it, anyway. After my bad performance at the Video Music Awards, I'm really trying to focus on getting my career back on track. I think being in Playboy would hurt my comeback. You agree, right?


Dear Britney Spears,

Think of yourself like a boxer who blacks out after taking a nasty punch, then wakes up and wins after realizing that he's actually left-handed. This probably is the last thing you want to hear, but Playboy is perfect for you now. Your skill set has changed, so you should change with it. I understand why you might be a little gun-shy while you're rebuilding your music career, especially since you're having problems with singing, dancing and lip-synching. But you can't go wrong with this one: If you do any singing, dancing or lip-synching at Playboy, you're trying too hard. Don't let your all recent crotch flashing go to waste. Now, you can call it job training.

The Star Savior

Kid Rock's Waffle House fight

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Kid Rock, a successful 36-year-old musician. After a show Saturday night, I got into a brawl at a Waffle House restaurant in Atlanta, and I ended up spending 12 hours in the county jail as a result. Here's what happened: A guy in Waffle House recognized a girl in my entourage, and they had words. Then, the whole thing escalated into a fight between me and this guy out in the parking lot. Afterward, my entourage and I hopped on the tour bus and got out of there. We got about a mile away before the police stopped us and arrested me and five of my boys for battery. Was I wrong to get into a fight for my entourage girl?


Dear Kid Rock,

I applaud you for going the extra mile to reconnect with your redneck roots by going to a Waffle House and getting into a fight: Most of your peers simply would have gone back to the hotel and ordered room-service food or sent a roadie out to pick something up. To answer your question, yes, you were wrong to defend your entourage girl by fighting: Groupies are disposable. But the greater wrong here is related to logic. The next time you feel your redneck urges bubbling up and you can only satisfy them with a Waffle House fight, don't use your tour bus as a getaway car. With your name and picture on its sides, your bus was like a one-man police lineup.

The Star Savior