Amy Winehouse's post-hospital smoking

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse again. I was just released from a hospital after being treated for a serious lung condition and being told that I show early signs of what could lead to emphysema. I was photographed having a cigarette after my time in the hospital, and people are making a big deal of it. What should I do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would tell you to stop smoking, now that emphysema is in the picture. But they don’t understand your busy schedule. I say you should smoke more to make your emphysema work faster. You’d have time to sit back and let your emphysema coast if you had a regular 9-to-5, but you’re a busy woman. You don’t have time to wait for inner decay.

It’s time to go for higher concentration. For breakfast, have a cigarette smoothie. For a light lunch or dinner, have some filter soup. For your drinks, liquefy some smokes and freeze them into ice cubes. For a sensible dessert, dip your cigs in honey.

Also, it might help to gradually quit clean air, instead of going cold-turkey. To get started, invest in a cigarette IV system or try using ashes to season your crack. To make sure you don’t accidentally get any clean air overnight, go to sleep with a lit cigarette. One man’s overnight house fire is another man’s multitasking.

At this point, it’s critical that you keep smoking. You’re too good at it to quit now.

The Star Savior