Episode 6

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Episode 1

This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:

-- Rapper T.I. gets advice about his child-support lawsuit

-- Lance Bass gets advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion

-- I reach out to Star Jones after her divorce is finalized

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to additional episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

T.I.'s child-support rap

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Lance Bass' reunion dream

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make this reunion work?

Dear Lance,

To make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all the time: his success. So get rid of that.

One of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing simplifies a busy life like addiction.

Since Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't offer wedding registries.

You could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where they cut coke lines for guests.

You could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific when you ask for an ice sculpture.

Of course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Star Jones

Dear Star Jones,

I just heard that you and Al Reynolds have finalized your divorce. I understand your wish for privacy, since the media has been all over your marriage, especially after Al's announcement that he used to be gay. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know one thing: Have you both started seeing other men?

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan turns down Playboy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?

Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason. Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior

Helen Mirren's coke announcement

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?

Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Amy Winehouse

Dear Amy,

I just heard that you may face legal action from the organizers of a concert that you didn't show up for. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know what you meant when you said you skipped the concert because you had "taken ill." Does "ill" mean "crack"?

The Star Savior

Dad says Lindsay Lohan is drinking again

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay Lohan. My daughter is in a toxic relationship. Lindsay isn't working because she's always with this girl. And she's drinking again because this girl has been passing her drinks under the table. Lindsay needs to end it if she wants to get back on track, but she doesn't seem to understand. What do you think?


Dear Michael,

While you've been worried about Lindsay's relationship leading her back to alcohol, you have overlooked a great possibility: Alcohol could be the way to break up their relationship.

The key is to make Lindsay's life revolve around booze. Have her stylist recommend using gin as soap. Have her plumbing connected to kegs. Help her find a liquor store with a breakfast buffet.

It's just a matter of selling Lindsay on an all-liquor diet. Here's a tip: Have a physical trainer tell her how vomiting works the abs from the inside.

Here's how the overdrinking plan will break up Lindsay's relationship: They'll spend less quality time together, since Lindsay will be busy with her blackouts. They'll stop talking, since Lindsay's mouth will be busy drinking and vomiting. They'll have problems with intimacy, since they won't be able to cuddle under a toilet.

But if you want Lindsay to stop drinking, be prepared to give her something to fill the void. Start by finding out what it is about drinking that appeals to her. If she drinks for the lightheadedness, get her a gas leak. If she's in it for the vomiting, she might like food poisoning or the flu. If she drinks to lose her balance and fall, get her some muscular dystrophy.

But you shouldn't worry about the chance that Lindsay is drinking again. If she's back on the booze, this time, she's doing it with a mentor. For example, on her own, she wouldn't know the proper drinking dosage: all. Think of it like a Big Sister program -- but with more flashing.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's response to Dad

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. My dad has been talking to "Access Hollywood" about my relationship with Samantha Ronson, and he has no right to do it. He keeps saying the relationship is bad for me and Samantha is using me, but it's not because he cares about me. He keeps going to the media to get attention. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

If your dad is going to the media to get attention, there's only one way to stop him: Beat him at his own game. Go to the media with your own reports, but make sure yours get all the attention. It's all about taking what he says and topping it.

If he says your relationship is leading you to drink, tell the media that your relationship is with a drink. To make it real, follow up with a sex tape of you and a gin bottle. That's right: While your dad tells the world how you're back to having drinks, you'll show the world how drinks are having you. Here's a tip: Let the bottle be in control. It's hotter that way.

When you dad tells the media that Samantha is only with you so she can write a tell-all book, you shoot right back with a sex tape of you doing a book. And try to pace yourself. You'll get tired long before the book does.

Basically, you'll have to crank out a lot of sex tapes with your household items. So stock up on Lysol -- and something to clean your Lysol.

The Star Savior

Shaq's restraining order

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm basketball player Shaquille O'Neal. My former mistress just got a restraining order against me. She said I threatened her after we stop seeing each other and harassed her with obscene phone calls full of heavy breathing. I have to stay at least 200 yards from her until I go to court next month to see if the restraining order will stick. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Shaq,

At this point, your best bet is to leave her alone and move on. You shouldn't stalk a woman you've been involved with. You should be stalking strangers.

Why, you ask? Because you can't put a restraining order on someone you don't know. It's straight from scripture.

I know it's rough after losing a stalking relationship. You might have low self-esteem, thinking you don't have what it takes to make obscene calls. But there's a brand-new restraining order that says you've still got it. The key is to get right back out there.

Ask your friends if they know any women who are interested in being stalked. (If they're not interested, stalk them anyway. That's the beauty of stalking: Every woman is available.) If you've met any women at church, give them obscene calls -- while you're in church. Join a book club and dazzle the women with your best moaning. And keep a hand down your pants. It's a great ice-breaker.

If you're shy about making obscene calls to someone new, use a wingman. Have a friend do the heavy breathing while you ask what color her panties are. Have your friend handle the moaning while you describe the state of your wiener. While you tell her you're touching yourself, have your friend hold the phone for you so you can actually touch yourself. Nobody likes a liar -- not even during an obscene call. It's rude.

But the hardest part of a stalking relationship is keeping it alive. It's all about keeping things fresh and letting her know you still care.

For example, learn the French versions of phrases like "down my pants." On her birthday, send her an obscene singing telegram at work, and make sure the song includes "smell you." During an everyday obscene call, send her a snapshot of your crotch -- just because. Nothing says love like nuts.

The Star Savior

Gary Glitter booted from Asia

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm former glam rocker Gary Glitter. I was released from prison in Vietnam this week after spending three years locked up for child sex abuse. I was kicked out of Vietnam, then Hong Kong and Thailand wouldn't let me in, then I was sent back to London. Since I'm blacklisted in Cambodia, too, I guess I'll have to stay in London now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

I know your time in prison must have been rough. And I'm sure you'll really miss Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam. But look at the bright side: London has lots of kids.

Yes, Southeast Asia has a stronger pedophile community, but that doesn't mean you can't get lucky at home. It's just a matter of doing the legwork.

Your first stop should be the Center for Pedophile Tourism. It's set up for traveling pedophiles, as well as kid-lovers who are new in town or getting back on their feet. So stop by for some brochures and learn about local kiddie opportunities. Take their tour of local kid-hunting spots. Maybe you could attend their weekly pedophile mixer. (Note: The mixers are BYOB, "Bring a Youth Or Beat it.")

You should start building contacts on the Internet with social networking sites like Yunguns.net, TykeTail.org and KiddiePoke.com. That's how the better pedophiles do it. They review each area's child-sex scene in detail, ranking them in categories like kid density, variety, amount of adult supervision and cost (in terms of local candy).

Members of these sites also share "shopping tips." For example, here's a tip from 14cutoff: Invite neighborhood kids into your home to play with your dog, but tell them your dog is allergic to clothes.

I'm sure there are lots of child-sex treasures right in your own backyard. So play tourist in London and check out the kid-hunting spots you've ignored all these years. After all, there's no place like home -- if it's near a playground.

The Star Savior

Jerry Lewis' airport gun

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm comedian Jerry Lewis. I was detained for carrying a gun in my baggage at an airport, and I ended up receiving a citation and having my gun confiscated. I don't see why the gun was a problem. It was unloaded, and it was just a beautiful gift from an engraver. What do you think?


Dear Jerry,

You might not see it yet, but this situation is a good thing. The world has heard you describe a gun as an object of beauty. And they're opening up to the idea that weapons are works of art.

Think of the gas-station robbers. They used to run away after shooting a cashier. Now, they stay to talk about their shooting style over wine and cheese. Robberies are huge social events. Sure, the cashiers are killed, but their bodies are perfect bullet sculptures. Gun art changes lives -- especially for cashiers.

Think of the school teachers. Now, they can get arts grants that help pay for shootings. That means teachers don't have to pay for the shooting supplies. Do you have any idea how much art stores charge for bullets?

Think of the traveling bomb artists -- so-called "terrorists." They used to be limited to doing shows on buses and trains. Now, all they have to do is pack their display bombs and head to the airport. They still ride the bus, but that's because it's the cheapest way from the explosives district. Suicide bombers like to save money, too.

You have taught the world a valuable art lesson. So you're wrong. Your taking a gun into an airport was a big deal. It's a big deal for the high-school kid with a piece in his locker. He won't be expelled. He'll get an art scholarship.

The Star Savior

The Spanish basketball team goes racist

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Spain's Olympic basketball team. We've been catching a lot of heat for a photo of our players pulling back the skin at their eyes to mimic the eyes of Chinese people. We didn't think it would offend anyone, and our players have apologized, but people are still bothered. Also, the photo was for an ad for a courier company, and the eye thing was the company's idea. What do you think?


Dear Spanish Basketball Team,

As it turns out, your photo actually was a misstep. But the problem isn't your racist gesture. The problem is that the team overlooked one key fact: Racism is totally fine if it promotes the right product.

How do you think Pringles got started? Pringles used to be called "Darkies" back when it was cheaper to use only potato skins.

Nobody talks about it, but segregation was created to help launch Ho Hos. That's right: The Jim Crow laws were made to promote snack cakes. The nation wasn't ready for chocolate-and-creme-swirled cakes -- "separate but equal" at its finest. So Hostess made a few calls to get some racist policy going. And it worked.

We've all seen images of black people suffering all sorts of indignities back then. It's upsetting. But if you take that same footage and add a close-up on a box of Ho Hos, it all makes sense.

The next time you're offered money to make a racist gesture, take some time to think about it. Don't waste racism on the wrong product. Think big. You could be the next Ronald McDonald. (I'll tell you the Big Mac story later.)

The Star Savior

Shia LaBeouf's drunken wreck

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Shia LaBeouf again. I was charged with driving under the influence after an accident that flipped my pickup truck and injured my head, my left hand and a knee. Police determined that I wasn't at fault for the accident, but I still thought I should check in with you for some advice. What do you think?


Dear Shia,

For future reference, your mistake wasn't that you drove drunk. The mistake was where you drove drunk.

The next time you're wasted and have an urge to get behind the wheel, do your drunk driving in places with fewer cars and more objects -- including pedestrians. I recommend drunk driving in the ambulance zone of a hospital. Most of the people there are already pre-hurt, so hitting them with your car isn't a big deal. You would be doing them a favor: Patients get a bulk discount for multiple injuries. It's best to stock up.

Even better, crashing into pre-injured people instead of cars is more earth-friendly. For starters, no matter how hard your car hits a person, they won't leak gas and oil all over the place. They won't catch fire and explode. On top of that, pre-hurt people are already at the hospital, so they won't have to do any extra travel if you smash into them outside. In fact, you'll help them get to the hospital quicker if you hit them from the back. Nobody said injury can't be convenient.

The Star Savior

Andy Dick's sexual-battery bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m comedian Andy Dick. I was arrested last week for investigation of drug use and sexual battery. The police arrested me for allegedly pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s tank top and bra, causing a disturbance outside a bar and urinating in public. I’m out on bail now, but do you have any advice for me?


Dear Andy,

This case may be beyond fixing, but I have advice for future reference: Do your out-of-place peeing in a bathroom. There’s no law against it.

When you urinate outside, you can only pee on dirt, concrete or a wall -- all of which have their charms -- or maybe a car. But you’re better than that.

When you pee indoors, the ceiling is the limit. Peeing in a bathroom doesn’t have to mean using a urinal or toilet. Indoors, you can pee on the floor, the walls and the fixtures -- all at once, with a little planning. You can hit the toilet-seat covers, the soap dispensers, the hand dryers and the paper towels. (If you want to be earth-friendly, pee on some paper towels, dry them, then pee on them again. Who says inconsiderate peeing can’t be green?)

Consider this: When you’re outside, can you pee on a condom machine? What about a diaper-changing station? That’s the beauty of indoor whizzing: the variety.

That’s just the beginning. It gets even better with the help of a bathroom attendant. Think of him as your pee Sherpa, there to help you do the most inconsiderate peeing you can. If you tip the bathroom attendant well, you can whiz in the cologne. You can unload in the lotion. Have you ever pissed on mints? It’s totally worth the tip. (You can pee on that, too.)

The next time you’re outside and you feel pee time coming, remember this: Location, location, location. Take it inside and head for the bathroom. You’ll thank me when you’ve pissed on a mirror.

The Star Savior

J-Lo's dog-bite lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer and actress Jennifer Lopez. A former flight attendant claims that my dog bit her on her leg during a flight, causing her to fall and hurt her back. She says her back injury has made her unable to work, and she’s suing me for $5 million. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Jennifer,

Being sued can teach you one important lesson: Don’t let your dog make impulse bites. As a celebrity, you should have a staff of people hired to be bitten by your dog.

That woman only sued you because she was bitten without being paid up-front. Freelance bite-takers always worry about being burned by deadbeat clients. They didn’t go to grad school to be bitten for free.

However, if you’re going to invest in prepaid dog bites, make sure to get the most for your money.

For example, don’t settle for bites to arms and legs. You don’t want your dog filling up on the cheap stuff. People have four limbs, so arm and leg bite space is cheap: They could have a dog biting each limb at the same time, and your dog would be just another set of teeth. For the best value, buy your dog the exclusive rights to the torso or the crotch. That way, your dog gets the bite-taker’s full attention. One can’t multitask with teeth in his balls.

Also, don’t be afraid to splurge once in a while. For a special occasion, consider treating your dog to a face bite. It’ll cost you, but he’s worth it. After all, a dog is man’s best friend — except for the man he bites.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's post-hospital smoking

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse again. I was just released from a hospital after being treated for a serious lung condition and being told that I show early signs of what could lead to emphysema. I was photographed having a cigarette after my time in the hospital, and people are making a big deal of it. What should I do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would tell you to stop smoking, now that emphysema is in the picture. But they don’t understand your busy schedule. I say you should smoke more to make your emphysema work faster. You’d have time to sit back and let your emphysema coast if you had a regular 9-to-5, but you’re a busy woman. You don’t have time to wait for inner decay.

It’s time to go for higher concentration. For breakfast, have a cigarette smoothie. For a light lunch or dinner, have some filter soup. For your drinks, liquefy some smokes and freeze them into ice cubes. For a sensible dessert, dip your cigs in honey.

Also, it might help to gradually quit clean air, instead of going cold-turkey. To get started, invest in a cigarette IV system or try using ashes to season your crack. To make sure you don’t accidentally get any clean air overnight, go to sleep with a lit cigarette. One man’s overnight house fire is another man’s multitasking.

At this point, it’s critical that you keep smoking. You’re too good at it to quit now.

The Star Savior

Shia LeBeouf drops F-bombs

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?

Dear Shia,

People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.

Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.

Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with their parents, then got smacked around. Imagine your fans’ shock after seeing your video and realizing that Shia LeBeouf had to turn to contests with his friends to get slapped.

Imagine how your video will inspire kids who came from slap-less homes. They’ll learn that they still can go on to do great things, despite not being slapped during their formative years — as long as they can count on slapping contests and “faggot.” Maybe your video will inspire them to go home, do their chores and homework, and call their parents “faggots” to get a loving slap or two. Maybe your video will inspire a school to add a slapping period to fill in the gap for kids from low-smack homes.

Maybe your video will help our broken society realize that when a kid screams “faggot,” he’s not being homophobic. He’s begging, “Someone, please slap me.” It’s a cry for help — in the form of an open palm and full follow-through. It takes a village to smack a child.

The Star Savior

Tatum O'Neal's coke bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Tatum,

You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.

There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.

When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.

The Star Savior