Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

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Amy Winehouse's smoking problem

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse. I checked back into a hospital this week, just three days after I spent a few days there for testing. I have some smoking-related lung problems, and my doctor has told me to quit smoking, but I’ve been struggling with it. What do you think I should do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would say you were failing by smoking after your doctor told you to quit, but I saw that you had a strategy. You weren’t falling off the wagon. You were trying to quit smoking by breaking your lungs. That’s thinking inside the carton.

You saw what your doctor couldn’t see: If you ever quit smoking, you would overdose on fresh air. That's because you are one of the great smokers of our time, equally talented with both cigarettes and crack. And you're too good at it to quit now.

But if you have to quit smoking, nicotine patches aren’t enough. It’s time to go radical.

It looks like the best way for you to quit smoking is to have your hands removed. On top of being smoke-free, if you give up your hands, you’ll lose a few pounds.

But if you'd like to try using your hands for something other than smoking, there are other ways to quit. For example, to cut down on your smoking at home, try a gas leak. At the worst, you’ll only fall off the wagon once.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Amy Winehouse

Dear Amy,

I just heard that you may face legal action from the organizers of a concert that you didn't show up for. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know what you meant when you said you skipped the concert because you had "taken ill." Does "ill" mean "crack"?

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's post-hospital smoking

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse again. I was just released from a hospital after being treated for a serious lung condition and being told that I show early signs of what could lead to emphysema. I was photographed having a cigarette after my time in the hospital, and people are making a big deal of it. What should I do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would tell you to stop smoking, now that emphysema is in the picture. But they don’t understand your busy schedule. I say you should smoke more to make your emphysema work faster. You’d have time to sit back and let your emphysema coast if you had a regular 9-to-5, but you’re a busy woman. You don’t have time to wait for inner decay.

It’s time to go for higher concentration. For breakfast, have a cigarette smoothie. For a light lunch or dinner, have some filter soup. For your drinks, liquefy some smokes and freeze them into ice cubes. For a sensible dessert, dip your cigs in honey.

Also, it might help to gradually quit clean air, instead of going cold-turkey. To get started, invest in a cigarette IV system or try using ashes to season your crack. To make sure you don’t accidentally get any clean air overnight, go to sleep with a lit cigarette. One man’s overnight house fire is another man’s multitasking.

At this point, it’s critical that you keep smoking. You’re too good at it to quit now.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's bar brawling

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer Amy Winehouse. I spent a night in jail after punching a man for getting in my way while I was playing pool at a bar and head-butting a guy who was trying to hail me a cab. The incident is going on my record, which could be hurt me later because of my erratic behavior and drug problems. I’m kind of worried. What do you think?

Dear Amy,

The problem isn’t that you punched a guy and head-butted another guy; it’s that you head-butted a guy in front of a cab driver. This added reality to a cab driver's greatest fear: the fear of being head-butted by a dark-haired alleged crackhead.

Your head-butting might make things worse for cab riders who look like you. They might be forced to pay a head-butt insurance fee — if they can even get cab drivers to stop for them. However, you can use your celebrity status to keep that from happening.

Start an organization to promote awareness of the many dark-haired alleged crackheads who don’t head-butt. Exhibit pictures of these women working, running errands, socializing and riding in cabs while keeping their heads to themselves. Let the world know that even though you’re a head-butter, you can control it by keeping your head in a holster. (No, a head holster isn’t the same thing as a hat or a headband.) And when you go out, make sure to keep your head’s safety lock on. It'll be easy to remember: The switch that shuts off head-butting is the same one that shuts off a crack pipe.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior