Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Jessica Simpson. My younger sister Ashlee may be pregnant. While I’m happy for her, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that I’m not planning a wedding and having a baby. What do you think?
Dear Jessica,
If you’re bothered by the idea of your younger sister having a baby before you, don’t be: You can still beat her to the punch. The streets are flooded with sperm that’s there for the taking if you’re up for a tradeoff. You’ll gain a new option for every standard you drop.
Traditional types might tell you to hit a bar and try to conceive a child in a bottle-powered one-night-stand. The only problem with this is that meeting guys in person might tempt you to be selective. Remember: Nothing gets in the way of quick pregnancy like standards.
If you’re really serious about scoring some sperm and aren’t dead-set on having a guy involved, take an extreme self-serve approach. Go to one of the sketchier neighborhoods and keep your eyes peeled for used condoms. If you don’t know where to look for used condoms, find a local drug connoisseur and follow the needle tracks on their arms. For a used-rubber hunter, that’s the North Star.
Once you’re pregnant, making up for your sister’s headstart means getting that baby out of there as soon as possible. As soon as your belly is big enough, start an exercise program based on crunches. Join a co-ed rodeo team. Lie face-down on a moving conveyer belt. If you do this one at a grocery store and it works, have the baby put in a paper bag. Plastic bags are dangerous for babies.
The Star Savior
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