Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?
Dear Wyclef,
I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.
You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.
Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?
The Star Savior
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