Amy Winehouse's bar brawling

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer Amy Winehouse. I spent a night in jail after punching a man for getting in my way while I was playing pool at a bar and head-butting a guy who was trying to hail me a cab. The incident is going on my record, which could be hurt me later because of my erratic behavior and drug problems. I’m kind of worried. What do you think?

Dear Amy,

The problem isn’t that you punched a guy and head-butted another guy; it’s that you head-butted a guy in front of a cab driver. This added reality to a cab driver's greatest fear: the fear of being head-butted by a dark-haired alleged crackhead.

Your head-butting might make things worse for cab riders who look like you. They might be forced to pay a head-butt insurance fee — if they can even get cab drivers to stop for them. However, you can use your celebrity status to keep that from happening.

Start an organization to promote awareness of the many dark-haired alleged crackheads who don’t head-butt. Exhibit pictures of these women working, running errands, socializing and riding in cabs while keeping their heads to themselves. Let the world know that even though you’re a head-butter, you can control it by keeping your head in a holster. (No, a head holster isn’t the same thing as a hat or a headband.) And when you go out, make sure to keep your head’s safety lock on. It'll be easy to remember: The switch that shuts off head-butting is the same one that shuts off a crack pipe.

The Star Savior