Dad says Lindsay Lohan is drinking again

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay Lohan. My daughter is in a toxic relationship. Lindsay isn't working because she's always with this girl. And she's drinking again because this girl has been passing her drinks under the table. Lindsay needs to end it if she wants to get back on track, but she doesn't seem to understand. What do you think?


Dear Michael,

While you've been worried about Lindsay's relationship leading her back to alcohol, you have overlooked a great possibility: Alcohol could be the way to break up their relationship.

The key is to make Lindsay's life revolve around booze. Have her stylist recommend using gin as soap. Have her plumbing connected to kegs. Help her find a liquor store with a breakfast buffet.

It's just a matter of selling Lindsay on an all-liquor diet. Here's a tip: Have a physical trainer tell her how vomiting works the abs from the inside.

Here's how the overdrinking plan will break up Lindsay's relationship: They'll spend less quality time together, since Lindsay will be busy with her blackouts. They'll stop talking, since Lindsay's mouth will be busy drinking and vomiting. They'll have problems with intimacy, since they won't be able to cuddle under a toilet.

But if you want Lindsay to stop drinking, be prepared to give her something to fill the void. Start by finding out what it is about drinking that appeals to her. If she drinks for the lightheadedness, get her a gas leak. If she's in it for the vomiting, she might like food poisoning or the flu. If she drinks to lose her balance and fall, get her some muscular dystrophy.

But you shouldn't worry about the chance that Lindsay is drinking again. If she's back on the booze, this time, she's doing it with a mentor. For example, on her own, she wouldn't know the proper drinking dosage: all. Think of it like a Big Sister program -- but with more flashing.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's response to Dad

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. My dad has been talking to "Access Hollywood" about my relationship with Samantha Ronson, and he has no right to do it. He keeps saying the relationship is bad for me and Samantha is using me, but it's not because he cares about me. He keeps going to the media to get attention. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

If your dad is going to the media to get attention, there's only one way to stop him: Beat him at his own game. Go to the media with your own reports, but make sure yours get all the attention. It's all about taking what he says and topping it.

If he says your relationship is leading you to drink, tell the media that your relationship is with a drink. To make it real, follow up with a sex tape of you and a gin bottle. That's right: While your dad tells the world how you're back to having drinks, you'll show the world how drinks are having you. Here's a tip: Let the bottle be in control. It's hotter that way.

When you dad tells the media that Samantha is only with you so she can write a tell-all book, you shoot right back with a sex tape of you doing a book. And try to pace yourself. You'll get tired long before the book does.

Basically, you'll have to crank out a lot of sex tapes with your household items. So stock up on Lysol -- and something to clean your Lysol.

The Star Savior