Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy rumor

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Jennifer Aniston. There’s a rumor that says I’m pregnant and John Mayer is the father. My spokesperson denied the rumor, but I’m not sure that people are convinced. I recently was photographed wearing a tight shirt at a popular place in Hollywood, so that might help say I’m not pregnant. What do you think?


Dear Jennifer,

To fight a pregnancy rumor, being seen and photographed wearing a tight shirt is a decent try. But you need to make a bigger statement. If people think you're pregnant, let them see you hitting a bottle of maternity gin.

This is your chance to have fun with the pregnancy rumor by letting some vices speak for you. Go out for some heavy drinking and talk about plans for your baby’s first 12 steps. If anyone looks concerned about your drinking, tell them that every baby’s first words are slurred, anyway. Go to a bar wearing a fake pregnant belly and say you’re there to lose 6 pounds.

You can do the same thing with smoking. Tell people you’re doing it to keep the baby’s birth weight under control so it won’t have a gut. Say you're smoking cigarettes to load the baby up with Vitamin Tar. Light up while wearing a T-shirt that says "Baby On Board — For Now."

If you'd like to have a few friends over, hold a baby shower catered by Camel. Either they’ll realize that you’re not pregnant or the first baby-shower game will be an intervention.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's 'colored' Obama comment

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Lindsay Lohan. In an interview, I said I was looking forward to having Barack Obama as “our first colored president.” It’s getting some attention. It's clear how much I support Obama, so that little slip-up isn’t a big deal, is it?


Dear Lindsay,

I understand your excitement about having a colored president, but there’s no time to sit back and enjoy it. It’s time to start thinking about the next election, so that Obama won’t be our last colored president.

You should use your status to encourage young people to “Spook the Vote.” You could organize a rally called the “Spade Raid.” And you could count on the full support of the colored community — once they get here in their time machines.

The Star Savior

Kate Winslet's fake-fake-fur photos

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Kate Winslet. I recently did a magazine photo shoot with supposedly fake fur that turned out to be real. It's a problem because I've spoken out against wearing fur. What do you think?


Dear Kate,

At first, I wondered why someone who is anti-fur would pose for pictures with fake fur, since it comes across as real fur and makes you look like a hypocrite. But now I get the point. It’s OK to take a stand — kind of. Now, it's time for you to spread the word.

Tell the people in Alcoholics Anonymous to loosen up. Go tell Mothers Against Drunk Driving that driving while drunk is good in moderation. And ask a few groups to ease up on child abuse because it might be a good workout. Remember: It’s OK as long as they take pictures.

The Star Savior

Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

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Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Episode 6

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Angelina Jolie's 7-year-old gets knives

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s actress Angelina Jolie. I just continued a family tradition by getting my 7-year-old son a set of knives. My mom gave me my first daggers when I was 11 or 12, and I’ve decided to do the same for my kids. What do you think?


Dear Angelina,

I think you're keeping up a great tradition by giving each of your kids a set of knives. But now you need to add a new tradition: getting a new set of kids.

The Star Savior

Episode 5

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Hugh Hefner after one of his girlfriends breaks up with him
-- I give Ryan O’Neal advice after his son is sent back to rehab
-- I reach out to David Duchovny after his treatment for sex addiction

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 5" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Ryan O'Neal's son goes back to rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor Ryan O'Neal. My son has been sent back to rehab since we were arrested for possession of meth. He was sent for two weeks of detox after admitting that he had relapsed. How do you think I should handle this?


Dear Ryan,

Going back to rehab could be rough for your son, so try to make it as pleasant as possible. It might help to send him reminders of home, like an old toy that he could enjoy today. Do you think an Easy-Bake Oven could cook meth?

The Star Savior

David Duchovny leaves sex-addiction rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor David Duchovny. I just completed rehab for sex addiction -- actually, addiction to Internet porn -- and I'm back at home and ready to get on with my life. What advice do you have for me?


Dear David,

Now that you’re dealing with sex addiction outside of rehab, I have a concern: What do recovering sex addicts do at their meetings? And I need to know the extent of your problem. At the low point in your addiction to Internet porn, what did you do to your computer for a fix?

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Nicole Kidman

Dear Nicole,

I just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's meth bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should do?


Dear Ryan,

I certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find new ways to keep meth in your life.

If your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice. There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.

But if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight, but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.

Of course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.

Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.

The Star Savior

Gary Coleman's truck-hit lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

You might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.

You weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a truck seems OK if you get a receipt.

If you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your headlights.

Since you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the basics of domestic violence.

There may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to them, with your bumper.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?

The Star Savior

Episode 1

This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:

-- Rapper T.I. gets advice about his child-support lawsuit

-- Lance Bass gets advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion

-- I reach out to Star Jones after her divorce is finalized

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to additional episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

T.I.'s child-support rap

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Lance Bass' reunion dream

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make this reunion work?

Dear Lance,

To make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all the time: his success. So get rid of that.

One of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing simplifies a busy life like addiction.

Since Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't offer wedding registries.

You could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where they cut coke lines for guests.

You could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific when you ask for an ice sculpture.

Of course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Star Jones

Dear Star Jones,

I just heard that you and Al Reynolds have finalized your divorce. I understand your wish for privacy, since the media has been all over your marriage, especially after Al's announcement that he used to be gay. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know one thing: Have you both started seeing other men?

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan turns down Playboy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?

Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason. Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior

Helen Mirren's coke announcement

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?

Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior