Helen Mirren's coke announcement

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?

Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior

Dad says Lindsay Lohan is drinking again

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay Lohan. My daughter is in a toxic relationship. Lindsay isn't working because she's always with this girl. And she's drinking again because this girl has been passing her drinks under the table. Lindsay needs to end it if she wants to get back on track, but she doesn't seem to understand. What do you think?


Dear Michael,

While you've been worried about Lindsay's relationship leading her back to alcohol, you have overlooked a great possibility: Alcohol could be the way to break up their relationship.

The key is to make Lindsay's life revolve around booze. Have her stylist recommend using gin as soap. Have her plumbing connected to kegs. Help her find a liquor store with a breakfast buffet.

It's just a matter of selling Lindsay on an all-liquor diet. Here's a tip: Have a physical trainer tell her how vomiting works the abs from the inside.

Here's how the overdrinking plan will break up Lindsay's relationship: They'll spend less quality time together, since Lindsay will be busy with her blackouts. They'll stop talking, since Lindsay's mouth will be busy drinking and vomiting. They'll have problems with intimacy, since they won't be able to cuddle under a toilet.

But if you want Lindsay to stop drinking, be prepared to give her something to fill the void. Start by finding out what it is about drinking that appeals to her. If she drinks for the lightheadedness, get her a gas leak. If she's in it for the vomiting, she might like food poisoning or the flu. If she drinks to lose her balance and fall, get her some muscular dystrophy.

But you shouldn't worry about the chance that Lindsay is drinking again. If she's back on the booze, this time, she's doing it with a mentor. For example, on her own, she wouldn't know the proper drinking dosage: all. Think of it like a Big Sister program -- but with more flashing.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's response to Dad

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. My dad has been talking to "Access Hollywood" about my relationship with Samantha Ronson, and he has no right to do it. He keeps saying the relationship is bad for me and Samantha is using me, but it's not because he cares about me. He keeps going to the media to get attention. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

If your dad is going to the media to get attention, there's only one way to stop him: Beat him at his own game. Go to the media with your own reports, but make sure yours get all the attention. It's all about taking what he says and topping it.

If he says your relationship is leading you to drink, tell the media that your relationship is with a drink. To make it real, follow up with a sex tape of you and a gin bottle. That's right: While your dad tells the world how you're back to having drinks, you'll show the world how drinks are having you. Here's a tip: Let the bottle be in control. It's hotter that way.

When you dad tells the media that Samantha is only with you so she can write a tell-all book, you shoot right back with a sex tape of you doing a book. And try to pace yourself. You'll get tired long before the book does.

Basically, you'll have to crank out a lot of sex tapes with your household items. So stock up on Lysol -- and something to clean your Lysol.

The Star Savior

Andy Dick's sexual-battery bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m comedian Andy Dick. I was arrested last week for investigation of drug use and sexual battery. The police arrested me for allegedly pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s tank top and bra, causing a disturbance outside a bar and urinating in public. I’m out on bail now, but do you have any advice for me?


Dear Andy,

This case may be beyond fixing, but I have advice for future reference: Do your out-of-place peeing in a bathroom. There’s no law against it.

When you urinate outside, you can only pee on dirt, concrete or a wall -- all of which have their charms -- or maybe a car. But you’re better than that.

When you pee indoors, the ceiling is the limit. Peeing in a bathroom doesn’t have to mean using a urinal or toilet. Indoors, you can pee on the floor, the walls and the fixtures -- all at once, with a little planning. You can hit the toilet-seat covers, the soap dispensers, the hand dryers and the paper towels. (If you want to be earth-friendly, pee on some paper towels, dry them, then pee on them again. Who says inconsiderate peeing can’t be green?)

Consider this: When you’re outside, can you pee on a condom machine? What about a diaper-changing station? That’s the beauty of indoor whizzing: the variety.

That’s just the beginning. It gets even better with the help of a bathroom attendant. Think of him as your pee Sherpa, there to help you do the most inconsiderate peeing you can. If you tip the bathroom attendant well, you can whiz in the cologne. You can unload in the lotion. Have you ever pissed on mints? It’s totally worth the tip. (You can pee on that, too.)

The next time you’re outside and you feel pee time coming, remember this: Location, location, location. Take it inside and head for the bathroom. You’ll thank me when you’ve pissed on a mirror.

The Star Savior

Charlie Sheen's N-word voice mail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?


Dear Charlie,

I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.

It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."

But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.

The Star Savior

Tatum O'Neal's coke bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Tatum,

You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.

There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.

When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.

The Star Savior

Oprah goes vegan

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host and juggernaut Oprah Winfrey. After re-reading “A New Earth,” I was inspired to go vegan for 21 days. That’s right: I’m off meat and animal products. It’s part of my spiritual growth and new concern for animals. As a fellow vegan, do you have any advice for me?

Dear Oprah,

I commend you for going vegan for a while as part of your spiritual growth and concern for animals, but you don’t have to do it. You should outsource it to your followers. Have them go vegan on your behalf, and see how it works.

If going vegan works well and your followers experience spiritual growth, buy them out. (I’m sure you have a budget for spiritual acquisitions.) But when you buy their spiritual growth, don’t keep any parts of their souls. They contain dairy.

But if going vegan doesn’t work for your followers or if something goes wrong, let them deal with it. They’re replaceable. You’re not. Think of it this way: If going vegan somehow kills one of your followers, you can count that as getting rid of an animal product.

The Star Savior

O.J. won't be on 'The Apprentice'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m a representative of the TV network NBC. This week, there were media reports that O.J. Simpson would appear on “The Apprentice,” but we have never considered him for the show. Do you think we made a mistake?

Dear NBC,

I understand why you might be apprehensive about having O.J. Simpson on the show, since he has been accused of killing his wife and committing a robbery. However, you could be missing a huge opportunity: “The Criminal Apprentice.” If you put O.J. Simpson on the show, you’d gain a whole new demographic: adults with disposable income and disposable spouses.

“The Criminal Apprentice” could feature teams of criminals competing in crimes they’re not familiar with. For example, create a team of alleged murderers and a team of alleged robbers — they’d have to flip a coin for O.J. Simpson — and send them onto city buses for a groping competition.

How does this involve business, you ask? Each team would have to do as much city-bus groping as possible on a $150 budget.

They’d have to pay for bus fare and might try to negotiate discounts under the Fondle Fare program. They’d have to do market research to find out which buses offer the most groping opportunities per dollar. (Each bus line has a Grope Grade. It’s affected by gas prices.) They might take training from professional sex offenders and have to scramble to rent a space legally far enough from kids.

To put a smiley face on it, have the criminals grope for charity. If only nobody had used the name Hands Across America.

The Star Savior

Conan O'Brien's stalker-priest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host Conan O’Brien. A Catholic priest who had been stalking me pleaded guilty in court this week, and the judge fined him and ordered him to stay away from me for two years. But this priest calls himself one my “most dangerous fans.” Should I still be worried?

Dear Conan,

Even with a two-year order to stay away, the priest isn’t done stalking you. Religious stalkers are the worst kind. They’re willing to go all the way for their stalking, even if it gets them in trouble with the law. They have Jesus as a role model, so they don’t fear execution. However, persistent religious types have a weakness: They won’t go where they’re not needed.

Find some bodyguards, but not big imposing guys. Round up a staff of guys who look exactly like the stalker-priest. Start by having the look-alikes take rotating shifts of fake-stalking you 24/7, and make sure the stalker-priest sees it. He's busy with his church and can’t give you that kind of attention, so he might back off. Stalkers have commitment issues. During your shows, have the look-alikes appear on camera and use stalker-grade bushes and windows. (Don’t go with low-quality or fake stuff: Real stalkers will notice. They're snobs about that kind of thing.)

Then, have your camera crew film you and a stalker look-alike for a sex tape. But make sure to perform selfishly and leave right afterward. The stalker-priest will leave you alone. Stalkers have abandonment issues, and they avoid people who don’t cuddle.

The Star Savior