Oprah goes vegan

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host and juggernaut Oprah Winfrey. After re-reading “A New Earth,” I was inspired to go vegan for 21 days. That’s right: I’m off meat and animal products. It’s part of my spiritual growth and new concern for animals. As a fellow vegan, do you have any advice for me?

Dear Oprah,

I commend you for going vegan for a while as part of your spiritual growth and concern for animals, but you don’t have to do it. You should outsource it to your followers. Have them go vegan on your behalf, and see how it works.

If going vegan works well and your followers experience spiritual growth, buy them out. (I’m sure you have a budget for spiritual acquisitions.) But when you buy their spiritual growth, don’t keep any parts of their souls. They contain dairy.

But if going vegan doesn’t work for your followers or if something goes wrong, let them deal with it. They’re replaceable. You’re not. Think of it this way: If going vegan somehow kills one of your followers, you can count that as getting rid of an animal product.

The Star Savior

Conan O'Brien's stalker-priest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host Conan O’Brien. A Catholic priest who had been stalking me pleaded guilty in court this week, and the judge fined him and ordered him to stay away from me for two years. But this priest calls himself one my “most dangerous fans.” Should I still be worried?

Dear Conan,

Even with a two-year order to stay away, the priest isn’t done stalking you. Religious stalkers are the worst kind. They’re willing to go all the way for their stalking, even if it gets them in trouble with the law. They have Jesus as a role model, so they don’t fear execution. However, persistent religious types have a weakness: They won’t go where they’re not needed.

Find some bodyguards, but not big imposing guys. Round up a staff of guys who look exactly like the stalker-priest. Start by having the look-alikes take rotating shifts of fake-stalking you 24/7, and make sure the stalker-priest sees it. He's busy with his church and can’t give you that kind of attention, so he might back off. Stalkers have commitment issues. During your shows, have the look-alikes appear on camera and use stalker-grade bushes and windows. (Don’t go with low-quality or fake stuff: Real stalkers will notice. They're snobs about that kind of thing.)

Then, have your camera crew film you and a stalker look-alike for a sex tape. But make sure to perform selfishly and leave right afterward. The stalker-priest will leave you alone. Stalkers have abandonment issues, and they avoid people who don’t cuddle.

The Star Savior