Don Cornelius' domestic-violence arrest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Don Cornelius, the creator and former host of the TV show "Soul Train." I was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence after someone reported a domestic dispute. I'm free on bail until my court appearance next month. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Don,

I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information about the alleged domestic dispute. Did you beat her while going down a Soul Train Line? And did she not call police because your punches scrambled her words?

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's son goes back to rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor Ryan O'Neal. My son has been sent back to rehab since we were arrested for possession of meth. He was sent for two weeks of detox after admitting that he had relapsed. How do you think I should handle this?


Dear Ryan,

Going back to rehab could be rough for your son, so try to make it as pleasant as possible. It might help to send him reminders of home, like an old toy that he could enjoy today. Do you think an Easy-Bake Oven could cook meth?

The Star Savior

Heather Locklear's DUI bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Heather,

Most people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.

Since you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.

Your DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.

You also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.

You also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."

And don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the same with your DUI work.

The next time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered to drive sober.

The Star Savior

Kanye West's photographer-attack case

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s rapper Kanye West. I was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after struggling with a photographer and breaking his camera and then lunging at a videographer. There won't be felony charges against me and my manager, but I still may be charged with a misdemeanor. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Kanye,

Even though you won't face felony charges, your arrest was a sign: It’s time for you to stop attacking random photographers in airports. You should start attacking them away from airports, in places where you can really make a connection.

Photographer attacks aren’t meant to be done when you're rushing out of town. At an airport, you can’t really commit to an attack. You should be able to take your time and give it your full attention. Tell me this about the photographer you attacked: What color were his eyes? I’ll bet you didn't even notice.

I think it’s time for you to start looking for one special photographer to settle down with and attack. Do you want to still be lunging at strange photographers in airports when you’re 50? Do you want to spend your golden years worried about where a stranger’s camera has been?

If you want to find The One, you have to put yourself out there and change your approach. And don't limit yourself to attacking celebrity photographers. It's time to start attacking the photographers you never noticed before. The next time you're at Sears or Wal-Mart, lunge at the person working the camera. Just lunge at them. Don't go all the way with an attack yet. You'll ruin things if you move too fast.

You'll find that when you attack a photographer away from an airport, it really means something. You won't have to attack with one hand while you hold baggage with the other. You can use metal objects to spice up your hand-to-hand attacks. And you won't have to interrupt your attacks to take off your shoes for security. You'll thank me after your first kick.

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's meth bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should do?


Dear Ryan,

I certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find new ways to keep meth in your life.

If your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice. There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.

But if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight, but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.

Of course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.

Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.

The Star Savior

Gary Coleman's truck-hit lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

You might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.

You weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a truck seems OK if you get a receipt.

If you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your headlights.

Since you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the basics of domestic violence.

There may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to them, with your bumper.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?

The Star Savior

Gary Glitter booted from Asia

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm former glam rocker Gary Glitter. I was released from prison in Vietnam this week after spending three years locked up for child sex abuse. I was kicked out of Vietnam, then Hong Kong and Thailand wouldn't let me in, then I was sent back to London. Since I'm blacklisted in Cambodia, too, I guess I'll have to stay in London now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

I know your time in prison must have been rough. And I'm sure you'll really miss Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam. But look at the bright side: London has lots of kids.

Yes, Southeast Asia has a stronger pedophile community, but that doesn't mean you can't get lucky at home. It's just a matter of doing the legwork.

Your first stop should be the Center for Pedophile Tourism. It's set up for traveling pedophiles, as well as kid-lovers who are new in town or getting back on their feet. So stop by for some brochures and learn about local kiddie opportunities. Take their tour of local kid-hunting spots. Maybe you could attend their weekly pedophile mixer. (Note: The mixers are BYOB, "Bring a Youth Or Beat it.")

You should start building contacts on the Internet with social networking sites like Yunguns.net, TykeTail.org and KiddiePoke.com. That's how the better pedophiles do it. They review each area's child-sex scene in detail, ranking them in categories like kid density, variety, amount of adult supervision and cost (in terms of local candy).

Members of these sites also share "shopping tips." For example, here's a tip from 14cutoff: Invite neighborhood kids into your home to play with your dog, but tell them your dog is allergic to clothes.

I'm sure there are lots of child-sex treasures right in your own backyard. So play tourist in London and check out the kid-hunting spots you've ignored all these years. After all, there's no place like home -- if it's near a playground.

The Star Savior

Jerry Lewis' airport gun

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm comedian Jerry Lewis. I was detained for carrying a gun in my baggage at an airport, and I ended up receiving a citation and having my gun confiscated. I don't see why the gun was a problem. It was unloaded, and it was just a beautiful gift from an engraver. What do you think?


Dear Jerry,

You might not see it yet, but this situation is a good thing. The world has heard you describe a gun as an object of beauty. And they're opening up to the idea that weapons are works of art.

Think of the gas-station robbers. They used to run away after shooting a cashier. Now, they stay to talk about their shooting style over wine and cheese. Robberies are huge social events. Sure, the cashiers are killed, but their bodies are perfect bullet sculptures. Gun art changes lives -- especially for cashiers.

Think of the school teachers. Now, they can get arts grants that help pay for shootings. That means teachers don't have to pay for the shooting supplies. Do you have any idea how much art stores charge for bullets?

Think of the traveling bomb artists -- so-called "terrorists." They used to be limited to doing shows on buses and trains. Now, all they have to do is pack their display bombs and head to the airport. They still ride the bus, but that's because it's the cheapest way from the explosives district. Suicide bombers like to save money, too.

You have taught the world a valuable art lesson. So you're wrong. Your taking a gun into an airport was a big deal. It's a big deal for the high-school kid with a piece in his locker. He won't be expelled. He'll get an art scholarship.

The Star Savior

Shia LaBeouf's drunken wreck

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Shia LaBeouf again. I was charged with driving under the influence after an accident that flipped my pickup truck and injured my head, my left hand and a knee. Police determined that I wasn't at fault for the accident, but I still thought I should check in with you for some advice. What do you think?


Dear Shia,

For future reference, your mistake wasn't that you drove drunk. The mistake was where you drove drunk.

The next time you're wasted and have an urge to get behind the wheel, do your drunk driving in places with fewer cars and more objects -- including pedestrians. I recommend drunk driving in the ambulance zone of a hospital. Most of the people there are already pre-hurt, so hitting them with your car isn't a big deal. You would be doing them a favor: Patients get a bulk discount for multiple injuries. It's best to stock up.

Even better, crashing into pre-injured people instead of cars is more earth-friendly. For starters, no matter how hard your car hits a person, they won't leak gas and oil all over the place. They won't catch fire and explode. On top of that, pre-hurt people are already at the hospital, so they won't have to do any extra travel if you smash into them outside. In fact, you'll help them get to the hospital quicker if you hit them from the back. Nobody said injury can't be convenient.

The Star Savior

Andy Dick's sexual-battery bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m comedian Andy Dick. I was arrested last week for investigation of drug use and sexual battery. The police arrested me for allegedly pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s tank top and bra, causing a disturbance outside a bar and urinating in public. I’m out on bail now, but do you have any advice for me?


Dear Andy,

This case may be beyond fixing, but I have advice for future reference: Do your out-of-place peeing in a bathroom. There’s no law against it.

When you urinate outside, you can only pee on dirt, concrete or a wall -- all of which have their charms -- or maybe a car. But you’re better than that.

When you pee indoors, the ceiling is the limit. Peeing in a bathroom doesn’t have to mean using a urinal or toilet. Indoors, you can pee on the floor, the walls and the fixtures -- all at once, with a little planning. You can hit the toilet-seat covers, the soap dispensers, the hand dryers and the paper towels. (If you want to be earth-friendly, pee on some paper towels, dry them, then pee on them again. Who says inconsiderate peeing can’t be green?)

Consider this: When you’re outside, can you pee on a condom machine? What about a diaper-changing station? That’s the beauty of indoor whizzing: the variety.

That’s just the beginning. It gets even better with the help of a bathroom attendant. Think of him as your pee Sherpa, there to help you do the most inconsiderate peeing you can. If you tip the bathroom attendant well, you can whiz in the cologne. You can unload in the lotion. Have you ever pissed on mints? It’s totally worth the tip. (You can pee on that, too.)

The next time you’re outside and you feel pee time coming, remember this: Location, location, location. Take it inside and head for the bathroom. You’ll thank me when you’ve pissed on a mirror.

The Star Savior

Tatum O'Neal's coke bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Tatum,

You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.

There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.

When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's bar brawling

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer Amy Winehouse. I spent a night in jail after punching a man for getting in my way while I was playing pool at a bar and head-butting a guy who was trying to hail me a cab. The incident is going on my record, which could be hurt me later because of my erratic behavior and drug problems. I’m kind of worried. What do you think?

Dear Amy,

The problem isn’t that you punched a guy and head-butted another guy; it’s that you head-butted a guy in front of a cab driver. This added reality to a cab driver's greatest fear: the fear of being head-butted by a dark-haired alleged crackhead.

Your head-butting might make things worse for cab riders who look like you. They might be forced to pay a head-butt insurance fee — if they can even get cab drivers to stop for them. However, you can use your celebrity status to keep that from happening.

Start an organization to promote awareness of the many dark-haired alleged crackheads who don’t head-butt. Exhibit pictures of these women working, running errands, socializing and riding in cabs while keeping their heads to themselves. Let the world know that even though you’re a head-butter, you can control it by keeping your head in a holster. (No, a head holster isn’t the same thing as a hat or a headband.) And when you go out, make sure to keep your head’s safety lock on. It'll be easy to remember: The switch that shuts off head-butting is the same one that shuts off a crack pipe.

The Star Savior

O.J. won't be on 'The Apprentice'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m a representative of the TV network NBC. This week, there were media reports that O.J. Simpson would appear on “The Apprentice,” but we have never considered him for the show. Do you think we made a mistake?

Dear NBC,

I understand why you might be apprehensive about having O.J. Simpson on the show, since he has been accused of killing his wife and committing a robbery. However, you could be missing a huge opportunity: “The Criminal Apprentice.” If you put O.J. Simpson on the show, you’d gain a whole new demographic: adults with disposable income and disposable spouses.

“The Criminal Apprentice” could feature teams of criminals competing in crimes they’re not familiar with. For example, create a team of alleged murderers and a team of alleged robbers — they’d have to flip a coin for O.J. Simpson — and send them onto city buses for a groping competition.

How does this involve business, you ask? Each team would have to do as much city-bus groping as possible on a $150 budget.

They’d have to pay for bus fare and might try to negotiate discounts under the Fondle Fare program. They’d have to do market research to find out which buses offer the most groping opportunities per dollar. (Each bus line has a Grope Grade. It’s affected by gas prices.) They might take training from professional sex offenders and have to scramble to rent a space legally far enough from kids.

To put a smiley face on it, have the criminals grope for charity. If only nobody had used the name Hands Across America.

The Star Savior

Conan O'Brien's stalker-priest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host Conan O’Brien. A Catholic priest who had been stalking me pleaded guilty in court this week, and the judge fined him and ordered him to stay away from me for two years. But this priest calls himself one my “most dangerous fans.” Should I still be worried?

Dear Conan,

Even with a two-year order to stay away, the priest isn’t done stalking you. Religious stalkers are the worst kind. They’re willing to go all the way for their stalking, even if it gets them in trouble with the law. They have Jesus as a role model, so they don’t fear execution. However, persistent religious types have a weakness: They won’t go where they’re not needed.

Find some bodyguards, but not big imposing guys. Round up a staff of guys who look exactly like the stalker-priest. Start by having the look-alikes take rotating shifts of fake-stalking you 24/7, and make sure the stalker-priest sees it. He's busy with his church and can’t give you that kind of attention, so he might back off. Stalkers have commitment issues. During your shows, have the look-alikes appear on camera and use stalker-grade bushes and windows. (Don’t go with low-quality or fake stuff: Real stalkers will notice. They're snobs about that kind of thing.)

Then, have your camera crew film you and a stalker look-alike for a sex tape. But make sure to perform selfishly and leave right afterward. The stalker-priest will leave you alone. Stalkers have abandonment issues, and they avoid people who don’t cuddle.

The Star Savior

Wyclef's anti-crime ad for Haiti

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?

Dear Wyclef,

I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.

You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.

Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?

The Star Savior

O.J. jailed for violating bail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson. Up until Friday, I was out on bail after being arrested for an armed robbery of my own sports memorabilia from a hotel in Las Vegas. I was sent to jail Friday for trying to call one of my co-defendants to stop him from cooperating with authorities. Was this really such a bad move on my part?

Dear O.J.,

A phone call wasn’t the best way to stop this co-defendant from working with authorities. Since you live in Florida, you should have tapped into your local voodoo community. Unlike phone calls, voodoo can’t be traced back to you, and it has no long-distance charges. On top of that, Florida’s voodoo community has an excellent tech-support team that would help set up your voodoo doll and customize a chant for your situation. The bones aren’t included, but you might know where to find some for free.

The Star Savior