Dog's N-word interview

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Duane "Dog" Chapman again. I finally did an interview about those recorded phone conversations in which I repeatedly used the "N" word in a rant about my son's black girlfriend. Here's what I said in the interview: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t know really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I’m not black at all." I think that makes it clear that I'm not racist. What do you think??


Dear Dog,

You might be onto something. If people accept what you said about not knowing you were "not black at all," you'll be free to expand beyond N-Word Town. Just make sure to explain yourself properly. Here's a freebie to get you on your feet: "When I called that lady a b*tch, I meant it as a friendly word from one woman to another. In my 54 years, I never noticed that I had man parts flopping around down there. I grew up in a home where we never looked at ourselves below eye-level. No, I was never tipped off by all the standing urination or penetrative sex with my wife."

The Star Savior

Dog the Bounty Hunter's racist rant

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Duane “Dog” Chapman, but you might know me better as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from my reality TV show. The National Enquirer just exposed a recorded telephone conversation in which I made racist remarks about my son’s black girlfriend, including the “N” word. I’m not racist, but I was really angry and lost my head for those eight minutes. I called the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain. He said he wouldn’t excuse my “hate language,” but he said I could show my sincerity by joining his march against hate crimes and racial attacks. What do you think?

Dear Dog,

Al Sharpton probably won’t give you the pardon you want, but you should join him for the march, anyway. It’s a huge networking opportunity. While you’re there, explain your racist outburst to Sharpton’s peers, preferably the ones who grew up in places where an arsonist would be pardoned if he gave firefighters directions to the burning building and left drinks and snacks for them. You might even meet exposed racists who paved the way for you to be caught dropping N-bombs on tape. Nothing beats meeting a legend; they can offer tips you won’t get anywhere else. I hope you’ll do the same for the next generation. Take plenty of pictures!

The Star Savior