O.J. won't be on 'The Apprentice'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m a representative of the TV network NBC. This week, there were media reports that O.J. Simpson would appear on “The Apprentice,” but we have never considered him for the show. Do you think we made a mistake?

Dear NBC,

I understand why you might be apprehensive about having O.J. Simpson on the show, since he has been accused of killing his wife and committing a robbery. However, you could be missing a huge opportunity: “The Criminal Apprentice.” If you put O.J. Simpson on the show, you’d gain a whole new demographic: adults with disposable income and disposable spouses.

“The Criminal Apprentice” could feature teams of criminals competing in crimes they’re not familiar with. For example, create a team of alleged murderers and a team of alleged robbers — they’d have to flip a coin for O.J. Simpson — and send them onto city buses for a groping competition.

How does this involve business, you ask? Each team would have to do as much city-bus groping as possible on a $150 budget.

They’d have to pay for bus fare and might try to negotiate discounts under the Fondle Fare program. They’d have to do market research to find out which buses offer the most groping opportunities per dollar. (Each bus line has a Grope Grade. It’s affected by gas prices.) They might take training from professional sex offenders and have to scramble to rent a space legally far enough from kids.

To put a smiley face on it, have the criminals grope for charity. If only nobody had used the name Hands Across America.

The Star Savior

Dog the Bounty Hunter's racist rant

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Duane “Dog” Chapman, but you might know me better as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from my reality TV show. The National Enquirer just exposed a recorded telephone conversation in which I made racist remarks about my son’s black girlfriend, including the “N” word. I’m not racist, but I was really angry and lost my head for those eight minutes. I called the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain. He said he wouldn’t excuse my “hate language,” but he said I could show my sincerity by joining his march against hate crimes and racial attacks. What do you think?

Dear Dog,

Al Sharpton probably won’t give you the pardon you want, but you should join him for the march, anyway. It’s a huge networking opportunity. While you’re there, explain your racist outburst to Sharpton’s peers, preferably the ones who grew up in places where an arsonist would be pardoned if he gave firefighters directions to the burning building and left drinks and snacks for them. You might even meet exposed racists who paved the way for you to be caught dropping N-bombs on tape. Nothing beats meeting a legend; they can offer tips you won’t get anywhere else. I hope you’ll do the same for the next generation. Take plenty of pictures!

The Star Savior