The Spanish basketball team goes racist

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Spain's Olympic basketball team. We've been catching a lot of heat for a photo of our players pulling back the skin at their eyes to mimic the eyes of Chinese people. We didn't think it would offend anyone, and our players have apologized, but people are still bothered. Also, the photo was for an ad for a courier company, and the eye thing was the company's idea. What do you think?


Dear Spanish Basketball Team,

As it turns out, your photo actually was a misstep. But the problem isn't your racist gesture. The problem is that the team overlooked one key fact: Racism is totally fine if it promotes the right product.

How do you think Pringles got started? Pringles used to be called "Darkies" back when it was cheaper to use only potato skins.

Nobody talks about it, but segregation was created to help launch Ho Hos. That's right: The Jim Crow laws were made to promote snack cakes. The nation wasn't ready for chocolate-and-creme-swirled cakes -- "separate but equal" at its finest. So Hostess made a few calls to get some racist policy going. And it worked.

We've all seen images of black people suffering all sorts of indignities back then. It's upsetting. But if you take that same footage and add a close-up on a box of Ho Hos, it all makes sense.

The next time you're offered money to make a racist gesture, take some time to think about it. Don't waste racism on the wrong product. Think big. You could be the next Ronald McDonald. (I'll tell you the Big Mac story later.)

The Star Savior

Charlie Sheen's N-word voice mail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?


Dear Charlie,

I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.

It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."

But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.

The Star Savior

Dog the Bounty Hunter's racist rant

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Duane “Dog” Chapman, but you might know me better as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from my reality TV show. The National Enquirer just exposed a recorded telephone conversation in which I made racist remarks about my son’s black girlfriend, including the “N” word. I’m not racist, but I was really angry and lost my head for those eight minutes. I called the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain. He said he wouldn’t excuse my “hate language,” but he said I could show my sincerity by joining his march against hate crimes and racial attacks. What do you think?

Dear Dog,

Al Sharpton probably won’t give you the pardon you want, but you should join him for the march, anyway. It’s a huge networking opportunity. While you’re there, explain your racist outburst to Sharpton’s peers, preferably the ones who grew up in places where an arsonist would be pardoned if he gave firefighters directions to the burning building and left drinks and snacks for them. You might even meet exposed racists who paved the way for you to be caught dropping N-bombs on tape. Nothing beats meeting a legend; they can offer tips you won’t get anywhere else. I hope you’ll do the same for the next generation. Take plenty of pictures!

The Star Savior