J-Lo's dog-bite lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer and actress Jennifer Lopez. A former flight attendant claims that my dog bit her on her leg during a flight, causing her to fall and hurt her back. She says her back injury has made her unable to work, and she’s suing me for $5 million. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Jennifer,

Being sued can teach you one important lesson: Don’t let your dog make impulse bites. As a celebrity, you should have a staff of people hired to be bitten by your dog.

That woman only sued you because she was bitten without being paid up-front. Freelance bite-takers always worry about being burned by deadbeat clients. They didn’t go to grad school to be bitten for free.

However, if you’re going to invest in prepaid dog bites, make sure to get the most for your money.

For example, don’t settle for bites to arms and legs. You don’t want your dog filling up on the cheap stuff. People have four limbs, so arm and leg bite space is cheap: They could have a dog biting each limb at the same time, and your dog would be just another set of teeth. For the best value, buy your dog the exclusive rights to the torso or the crotch. That way, your dog gets the bite-taker’s full attention. One can’t multitask with teeth in his balls.

Also, don’t be afraid to splurge once in a while. For a special occasion, consider treating your dog to a face bite. It’ll cost you, but he’s worth it. After all, a dog is man’s best friend — except for the man he bites.

The Star Savior

Diddy's punch explanation

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Sean Combs, also known as P. Diddy or Puff Daddy. I’m being sued by a man who said I punched him at a party in Hollywood, but I recently explained to the court that I didn’t punch him. He came lunging at me, and I instinctively outstretched an open hand to shield myself. Any contact that happened was because he ran into my stationary open hand. My explanation makes sense, right?

Dear Diddy,

I think you should be more specific in your explanation. Go with this: “We all know what Einstein said about punch-out illusions, so I’ll skip the basics. The chemicals in this guy’s aftershave were drawn to the metals in my ring, so powerfully that it sent him sprinting jaw-first at my open hand, which didn’t move. I know it seemed like a perfect right hook with good follow-through, but that’s just the magic of science. And I only fled because the chemicals in my shoes repel jail.”

The Star Savior