T.I.'s child-support rap

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Diddy's punch explanation

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Sean Combs, also known as P. Diddy or Puff Daddy. I’m being sued by a man who said I punched him at a party in Hollywood, but I recently explained to the court that I didn’t punch him. He came lunging at me, and I instinctively outstretched an open hand to shield myself. Any contact that happened was because he ran into my stationary open hand. My explanation makes sense, right?

Dear Diddy,

I think you should be more specific in your explanation. Go with this: “We all know what Einstein said about punch-out illusions, so I’ll skip the basics. The chemicals in this guy’s aftershave were drawn to the metals in my ring, so powerfully that it sent him sprinting jaw-first at my open hand, which didn’t move. I know it seemed like a perfect right hook with good follow-through, but that’s just the magic of science. And I only fled because the chemicals in my shoes repel jail.”

The Star Savior