Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy rumor

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Jennifer Aniston. There’s a rumor that says I’m pregnant and John Mayer is the father. My spokesperson denied the rumor, but I’m not sure that people are convinced. I recently was photographed wearing a tight shirt at a popular place in Hollywood, so that might help say I’m not pregnant. What do you think?


Dear Jennifer,

To fight a pregnancy rumor, being seen and photographed wearing a tight shirt is a decent try. But you need to make a bigger statement. If people think you're pregnant, let them see you hitting a bottle of maternity gin.

This is your chance to have fun with the pregnancy rumor by letting some vices speak for you. Go out for some heavy drinking and talk about plans for your baby’s first 12 steps. If anyone looks concerned about your drinking, tell them that every baby’s first words are slurred, anyway. Go to a bar wearing a fake pregnant belly and say you’re there to lose 6 pounds.

You can do the same thing with smoking. Tell people you’re doing it to keep the baby’s birth weight under control so it won’t have a gut. Say you're smoking cigarettes to load the baby up with Vitamin Tar. Light up while wearing a T-shirt that says "Baby On Board — For Now."

If you'd like to have a few friends over, hold a baby shower catered by Camel. Either they’ll realize that you’re not pregnant or the first baby-shower game will be an intervention.

The Star Savior

Cher's 'Vegas throat'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Cher. I recently had to cancel several shows in Las Vegas for health reasons. There were rumors that I was suffering from serious conditions such as cancer, but it was just “Vegas throat.” It happens to a lot of singers here, so it’s not a big deal. How do you think I should handle the rumors?


Dear Cher,

I’m glad that you’re doing well, and I hope you can get back on stage soon. But I think you should start using the scientific name for your condition. “Vegas throat” sounds like something a guy might pay for.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior