Episode 4

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise comedian Sandra Bernhard, who lost work because of a rape joke involving Sarah Palin
-- I give Heather Locklear driving tips after her DUI arrest
-- I reach out to Britney Spears after hearing rumors of a sex tape

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 4" (MP3, 6:49, 3.2 MB)

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Reaching out to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior

Britney Spears and mental health

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. For some reason, my family members think I need mental help, and they're trying to force me into treatment, even if it takes a court order. I have everything under control, so how can I let them know I don't need to be in a mental hospital?


Dear Britney,

To let them know you're serious about handling your own mental health, put together your own in-house mental facility. The first step is to get a nice form-fitting straitjacket, preferably in a neutral color so you can accessorize. Since the straitjacket will be your foundation piece, don't be cheap and get one at Wal-Mart. Invest in quality. It'll pay for itself after two breakdowns. And have your straitjacket tailored or altered. The last thing you need during a breakdown is to worry about your straitjacket riding up. Best of all, a straitjacket only covers the upper body, so you can still skip the underwear.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears in Playboy?

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Britney Spears, a troubled 25-year-old pop star trying to rebuild a career. I just heard that someone at Playboy said the magazine would be happy to have me pose nude. They haven't made an offer, but I don't think I would do it, anyway. After my bad performance at the Video Music Awards, I'm really trying to focus on getting my career back on track. I think being in Playboy would hurt my comeback. You agree, right?


Dear Britney Spears,

Think of yourself like a boxer who blacks out after taking a nasty punch, then wakes up and wins after realizing that he's actually left-handed. This probably is the last thing you want to hear, but Playboy is perfect for you now. Your skill set has changed, so you should change with it. I understand why you might be a little gun-shy while you're rebuilding your music career, especially since you're having problems with singing, dancing and lip-synching. But you can't go wrong with this one: If you do any singing, dancing or lip-synching at Playboy, you're trying too hard. Don't let your all recent crotch flashing go to waste. Now, you can call it job training.

The Star Savior