Hugh Hefner's breakup

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner. One of my three girlfriends has decided to stop seeing me. I saw this coming after I told her that I don't want to be married and have children. She's still here in the Playboy Mansion, but she says it's over, so I guess it's over. What do you think I should do?

Dear Hugh,

You are absolutely right. When she says it's over, it's over, and there is nothing to keep her from leaving. But there should be. Nothing keeps a relationship going like shackles. I promise: She won't ever leave you if she can't.

You need to make a grand romantic gesture to keep her from leaving you, and the best way to say “don’t leave me” is to chain her to a radiator. That's right: Imprisonment can be romantic.

Keeping her as a captive girlfriend instead of a wife guarantees that she won’t go anywhere. If she runs away from your marriage, she gets half of your money. If she tries to run away while she’s chained up, she gets half of her leg.

A relationship with a hostage has plenty of challenges -- mostly for her. So you really have to let her know what she means to you. And don't save it for special days. She might not survive.

Let her know that money is no object, even though she is. Start by chaining her up with designer high-end shackles. It turns out that shackles have gotten a lot nicer since slavery.

For a small treat every few days, let her stand up. Every now and then, surprise her with breakfast in bed -- actually, breakfast on the radiator she's chained to. Try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to her bathroom bucket.

For a special romantic night, take her on a trip down to the basement for dinner under the bare light bulb. But don't worry about finding her favorite wine. After she's been chained up for a while, she'll love any fluid that she didn't produce.

The Star Savior

David Duchovny leaves sex-addiction rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor David Duchovny. I just completed rehab for sex addiction -- actually, addiction to Internet porn -- and I'm back at home and ready to get on with my life. What advice do you have for me?


Dear David,

Now that you’re dealing with sex addiction outside of rehab, I have a concern: What do recovering sex addicts do at their meetings? And I need to know the extent of your problem. At the low point in your addiction to Internet porn, what did you do to your computer for a fix?

The Star Savior

Sandra Bernhard's Sarah Palin rape joke

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Nicole Kidman

Dear Nicole,

I just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan turns down Playboy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?

Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason. Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior

Gary Glitter booted from Asia

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm former glam rocker Gary Glitter. I was released from prison in Vietnam this week after spending three years locked up for child sex abuse. I was kicked out of Vietnam, then Hong Kong and Thailand wouldn't let me in, then I was sent back to London. Since I'm blacklisted in Cambodia, too, I guess I'll have to stay in London now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

I know your time in prison must have been rough. And I'm sure you'll really miss Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam. But look at the bright side: London has lots of kids.

Yes, Southeast Asia has a stronger pedophile community, but that doesn't mean you can't get lucky at home. It's just a matter of doing the legwork.

Your first stop should be the Center for Pedophile Tourism. It's set up for traveling pedophiles, as well as kid-lovers who are new in town or getting back on their feet. So stop by for some brochures and learn about local kiddie opportunities. Take their tour of local kid-hunting spots. Maybe you could attend their weekly pedophile mixer. (Note: The mixers are BYOB, "Bring a Youth Or Beat it.")

You should start building contacts on the Internet with social networking sites like Yunguns.net, TykeTail.org and KiddiePoke.com. That's how the better pedophiles do it. They review each area's child-sex scene in detail, ranking them in categories like kid density, variety, amount of adult supervision and cost (in terms of local candy).

Members of these sites also share "shopping tips." For example, here's a tip from 14cutoff: Invite neighborhood kids into your home to play with your dog, but tell them your dog is allergic to clothes.

I'm sure there are lots of child-sex treasures right in your own backyard. So play tourist in London and check out the kid-hunting spots you've ignored all these years. After all, there's no place like home -- if it's near a playground.

The Star Savior

Kristin Davis and the sex-tape rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Kristin Davis, star of “Sex and the City.” There are rumors that I appear in a sex tape that was shot in 1992 and has been leaked online. Now, pictures from the video are all over the Internet, and people insist that the video and photos are of me, even though my representative has told them that’s not me. What should I do?

Dear Kristin,

There’s only one way to prove it’s not you in the sex tape: Shoot a sex tape now and release it online, so people can compare the tapes. For a good comparison, duplicate everything the girl does in the other sex tape. Since the other video was shot in 1992, you’ll need to have some technicians do an age-progression to bring the girl up to your current age. They’ll do it for free if you say the girl in the sex tape is missing. Just tell them she was last seen with a penis, and give them a penis description to put on milk cartons. After the sex tape is ready to go, schedule screenings at fine theaters like TomKat or Studs, which draw the kinds of guys who would focus only on identifying you. Think of them as a forensics team hired to spot DNA evidence on its way out.

The Star Savior