Episode 8

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

— I give Jennifer Aniston tips for fighting pregnancy rumors
— I advise Lindsay Lohan after she describes Barack Obama as "our first colored president"
— I advise Kate Winslet about her anti-fur stance

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 8" (MP3, 5:52, 2.7 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy rumor

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Jennifer Aniston. There’s a rumor that says I’m pregnant and John Mayer is the father. My spokesperson denied the rumor, but I’m not sure that people are convinced. I recently was photographed wearing a tight shirt at a popular place in Hollywood, so that might help say I’m not pregnant. What do you think?


Dear Jennifer,

To fight a pregnancy rumor, being seen and photographed wearing a tight shirt is a decent try. But you need to make a bigger statement. If people think you're pregnant, let them see you hitting a bottle of maternity gin.

This is your chance to have fun with the pregnancy rumor by letting some vices speak for you. Go out for some heavy drinking and talk about plans for your baby’s first 12 steps. If anyone looks concerned about your drinking, tell them that every baby’s first words are slurred, anyway. Go to a bar wearing a fake pregnant belly and say you’re there to lose 6 pounds.

You can do the same thing with smoking. Tell people you’re doing it to keep the baby’s birth weight under control so it won’t have a gut. Say you're smoking cigarettes to load the baby up with Vitamin Tar. Light up while wearing a T-shirt that says "Baby On Board — For Now."

If you'd like to have a few friends over, hold a baby shower catered by Camel. Either they’ll realize that you’re not pregnant or the first baby-shower game will be an intervention.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's 'colored' Obama comment

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Lindsay Lohan. In an interview, I said I was looking forward to having Barack Obama as “our first colored president.” It’s getting some attention. It's clear how much I support Obama, so that little slip-up isn’t a big deal, is it?


Dear Lindsay,

I understand your excitement about having a colored president, but there’s no time to sit back and enjoy it. It’s time to start thinking about the next election, so that Obama won’t be our last colored president.

You should use your status to encourage young people to “Spook the Vote.” You could organize a rally called the “Spade Raid.” And you could count on the full support of the colored community — once they get here in their time machines.

The Star Savior

Kate Winslet's fake-fake-fur photos

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Kate Winslet. I recently did a magazine photo shoot with supposedly fake fur that turned out to be real. It's a problem because I've spoken out against wearing fur. What do you think?


Dear Kate,

At first, I wondered why someone who is anti-fur would pose for pictures with fake fur, since it comes across as real fur and makes you look like a hypocrite. But now I get the point. It’s OK to take a stand — kind of. Now, it's time for you to spread the word.

Tell the people in Alcoholics Anonymous to loosen up. Go tell Mothers Against Drunk Driving that driving while drunk is good in moderation. And ask a few groups to ease up on child abuse because it might be a good workout. Remember: It’s OK as long as they take pictures.

The Star Savior

Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Episode 6

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Angelina Jolie's 7-year-old gets knives

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s actress Angelina Jolie. I just continued a family tradition by getting my 7-year-old son a set of knives. My mom gave me my first daggers when I was 11 or 12, and I’ve decided to do the same for my kids. What do you think?


Dear Angelina,

I think you're keeping up a great tradition by giving each of your kids a set of knives. But now you need to add a new tradition: getting a new set of kids.

The Star Savior

Episode 5

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Hugh Hefner after one of his girlfriends breaks up with him
-- I give Ryan O’Neal advice after his son is sent back to rehab
-- I reach out to David Duchovny after his treatment for sex addiction

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 5" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Ryan O'Neal's son goes back to rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor Ryan O'Neal. My son has been sent back to rehab since we were arrested for possession of meth. He was sent for two weeks of detox after admitting that he had relapsed. How do you think I should handle this?


Dear Ryan,

Going back to rehab could be rough for your son, so try to make it as pleasant as possible. It might help to send him reminders of home, like an old toy that he could enjoy today. Do you think an Easy-Bake Oven could cook meth?

The Star Savior

David Duchovny leaves sex-addiction rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor David Duchovny. I just completed rehab for sex addiction -- actually, addiction to Internet porn -- and I'm back at home and ready to get on with my life. What advice do you have for me?


Dear David,

Now that you’re dealing with sex addiction outside of rehab, I have a concern: What do recovering sex addicts do at their meetings? And I need to know the extent of your problem. At the low point in your addiction to Internet porn, what did you do to your computer for a fix?

The Star Savior

Sandra Bernhard's Sarah Palin rape joke

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior

Heather Locklear's DUI bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Heather,

Most people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.

Since you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.

Your DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.

You also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.

You also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."

And don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the same with your DUI work.

The next time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered to drive sober.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Nicole Kidman

Dear Nicole,

I just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's meth bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should do?


Dear Ryan,

I certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find new ways to keep meth in your life.

If your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice. There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.

But if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight, but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.

Of course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.

Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.

The Star Savior

Gary Coleman's truck-hit lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

You might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.

You weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a truck seems OK if you get a receipt.

If you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your headlights.

Since you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the basics of domestic violence.

There may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to them, with your bumper.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?

The Star Savior