Tracy Morgan's booze bracelet

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Tracy Morgan, a 38-year-old comic actor on probation for driving under the influence of alcohol. I was supposed to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet for 90 days, but I took it off early because of a medical condition. My attorney is supposed to explain the specifics about my medical condition in court Tuesday. Do you have any last-minute advice for me?


Dear Tracy Morgan,

If possible, you should abandon your story. It's shaky. The problem is your history of drunken driving: To the rest of us, saying you took off your alcohol-monitoring bracelet because of a medical condition means you caught the medical condition from bottles contaminated with liquor. The only medical condition that would be a good excuse is amputation. "Temporary insanity" might work, but the judge would assume it was the kind you can sleep off. This is a tough one. You painted yourself into a corner by blaming a medical condition. Have you considered lying?

The Star Savior

Frozen Paris Hilton

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Paris Hilton, a 26-year-old socialite/hotel heiress. I recently decided to have myself and my dogs cryogenically frozen. It’s going to cost a lot of money, but I think it’s worth it. Most of my cells will still be alive, so my life technically will last hundreds or thousands of years. It’s so cool! What do you think?

Dear Paris Hilton,

I support your decision to have yourself frozen, but I have one recommendation: Truly commit the rest of your natural life to doing all of the nothing you have started. You have done an amazing amount of nothing in your 26 years, but there is plenty left for you to not do. Here’s a quick tip: Every afternoon, when you wake up, do some idling right away before you find yourself busy with a full day of inactivity. You owe the world something, since you broke tradition by not showing up with a dream for Hollywood to beat to death.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears in Playboy?

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Britney Spears, a troubled 25-year-old pop star trying to rebuild a career. I just heard that someone at Playboy said the magazine would be happy to have me pose nude. They haven't made an offer, but I don't think I would do it, anyway. After my bad performance at the Video Music Awards, I'm really trying to focus on getting my career back on track. I think being in Playboy would hurt my comeback. You agree, right?


Dear Britney Spears,

Think of yourself like a boxer who blacks out after taking a nasty punch, then wakes up and wins after realizing that he's actually left-handed. This probably is the last thing you want to hear, but Playboy is perfect for you now. Your skill set has changed, so you should change with it. I understand why you might be a little gun-shy while you're rebuilding your music career, especially since you're having problems with singing, dancing and lip-synching. But you can't go wrong with this one: If you do any singing, dancing or lip-synching at Playboy, you're trying too hard. Don't let your all recent crotch flashing go to waste. Now, you can call it job training.

The Star Savior

Kid Rock's Waffle House fight

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Kid Rock, a successful 36-year-old musician. After a show Saturday night, I got into a brawl at a Waffle House restaurant in Atlanta, and I ended up spending 12 hours in the county jail as a result. Here's what happened: A guy in Waffle House recognized a girl in my entourage, and they had words. Then, the whole thing escalated into a fight between me and this guy out in the parking lot. Afterward, my entourage and I hopped on the tour bus and got out of there. We got about a mile away before the police stopped us and arrested me and five of my boys for battery. Was I wrong to get into a fight for my entourage girl?


Dear Kid Rock,

I applaud you for going the extra mile to reconnect with your redneck roots by going to a Waffle House and getting into a fight: Most of your peers simply would have gone back to the hotel and ordered room-service food or sent a roadie out to pick something up. To answer your question, yes, you were wrong to defend your entourage girl by fighting: Groupies are disposable. But the greater wrong here is related to logic. The next time you feel your redneck urges bubbling up and you can only satisfy them with a Waffle House fight, don't use your tour bus as a getaway car. With your name and picture on its sides, your bus was like a one-man police lineup.

The Star Savior