Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson. Up until Friday, I was out on bail after being arrested for an armed robbery of my own sports memorabilia from a hotel in Las Vegas. I was sent to jail Friday for trying to call one of my co-defendants to stop him from cooperating with authorities. Was this really such a bad move on my part?
Dear O.J.,
A phone call wasn’t the best way to stop this co-defendant from working with authorities. Since you live in Florida, you should have tapped into your local voodoo community. Unlike phone calls, voodoo can’t be traced back to you, and it has no long-distance charges. On top of that, Florida’s voodoo community has an excellent tech-support team that would help set up your voodoo doll and customize a chant for your situation. The bones aren’t included, but you might know where to find some for free.
The Star Savior
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