Shaq's restraining order

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm basketball player Shaquille O'Neal. My former mistress just got a restraining order against me. She said I threatened her after we stop seeing each other and harassed her with obscene phone calls full of heavy breathing. I have to stay at least 200 yards from her until I go to court next month to see if the restraining order will stick. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Shaq,

At this point, your best bet is to leave her alone and move on. You shouldn't stalk a woman you've been involved with. You should be stalking strangers.

Why, you ask? Because you can't put a restraining order on someone you don't know. It's straight from scripture.

I know it's rough after losing a stalking relationship. You might have low self-esteem, thinking you don't have what it takes to make obscene calls. But there's a brand-new restraining order that says you've still got it. The key is to get right back out there.

Ask your friends if they know any women who are interested in being stalked. (If they're not interested, stalk them anyway. That's the beauty of stalking: Every woman is available.) If you've met any women at church, give them obscene calls -- while you're in church. Join a book club and dazzle the women with your best moaning. And keep a hand down your pants. It's a great ice-breaker.

If you're shy about making obscene calls to someone new, use a wingman. Have a friend do the heavy breathing while you ask what color her panties are. Have your friend handle the moaning while you describe the state of your wiener. While you tell her you're touching yourself, have your friend hold the phone for you so you can actually touch yourself. Nobody likes a liar -- not even during an obscene call. It's rude.

But the hardest part of a stalking relationship is keeping it alive. It's all about keeping things fresh and letting her know you still care.

For example, learn the French versions of phrases like "down my pants." On her birthday, send her an obscene singing telegram at work, and make sure the song includes "smell you." During an everyday obscene call, send her a snapshot of your crotch -- just because. Nothing says love like nuts.

The Star Savior

The Spanish basketball team goes racist

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Spain's Olympic basketball team. We've been catching a lot of heat for a photo of our players pulling back the skin at their eyes to mimic the eyes of Chinese people. We didn't think it would offend anyone, and our players have apologized, but people are still bothered. Also, the photo was for an ad for a courier company, and the eye thing was the company's idea. What do you think?


Dear Spanish Basketball Team,

As it turns out, your photo actually was a misstep. But the problem isn't your racist gesture. The problem is that the team overlooked one key fact: Racism is totally fine if it promotes the right product.

How do you think Pringles got started? Pringles used to be called "Darkies" back when it was cheaper to use only potato skins.

Nobody talks about it, but segregation was created to help launch Ho Hos. That's right: The Jim Crow laws were made to promote snack cakes. The nation wasn't ready for chocolate-and-creme-swirled cakes -- "separate but equal" at its finest. So Hostess made a few calls to get some racist policy going. And it worked.

We've all seen images of black people suffering all sorts of indignities back then. It's upsetting. But if you take that same footage and add a close-up on a box of Ho Hos, it all makes sense.

The next time you're offered money to make a racist gesture, take some time to think about it. Don't waste racism on the wrong product. Think big. You could be the next Ronald McDonald. (I'll tell you the Big Mac story later.)

The Star Savior

O.J. jailed for violating bail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson. Up until Friday, I was out on bail after being arrested for an armed robbery of my own sports memorabilia from a hotel in Las Vegas. I was sent to jail Friday for trying to call one of my co-defendants to stop him from cooperating with authorities. Was this really such a bad move on my part?

Dear O.J.,

A phone call wasn’t the best way to stop this co-defendant from working with authorities. Since you live in Florida, you should have tapped into your local voodoo community. Unlike phone calls, voodoo can’t be traced back to you, and it has no long-distance charges. On top of that, Florida’s voodoo community has an excellent tech-support team that would help set up your voodoo doll and customize a chant for your situation. The bones aren’t included, but you might know where to find some for free.

The Star Savior