Amy Winehouse's bar brawling

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer Amy Winehouse. I spent a night in jail after punching a man for getting in my way while I was playing pool at a bar and head-butting a guy who was trying to hail me a cab. The incident is going on my record, which could be hurt me later because of my erratic behavior and drug problems. I’m kind of worried. What do you think?

Dear Amy,

The problem isn’t that you punched a guy and head-butted another guy; it’s that you head-butted a guy in front of a cab driver. This added reality to a cab driver's greatest fear: the fear of being head-butted by a dark-haired alleged crackhead.

Your head-butting might make things worse for cab riders who look like you. They might be forced to pay a head-butt insurance fee — if they can even get cab drivers to stop for them. However, you can use your celebrity status to keep that from happening.

Start an organization to promote awareness of the many dark-haired alleged crackheads who don’t head-butt. Exhibit pictures of these women working, running errands, socializing and riding in cabs while keeping their heads to themselves. Let the world know that even though you’re a head-butter, you can control it by keeping your head in a holster. (No, a head holster isn’t the same thing as a hat or a headband.) And when you go out, make sure to keep your head’s safety lock on. It'll be easy to remember: The switch that shuts off head-butting is the same one that shuts off a crack pipe.

The Star Savior

Boy George's chained-male charge

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Boy George, the former frontman of Culture Club. Police have charged me with false imprisonment for keeping a man chained to a wall at my home in London. I'm out on bail until my court appearance on Nov. 22, so I have a little time to prepare. Do you have any advice?


Dear Boy George,

I can't think of any way to improve your chances in court, but I have a recommendation that will serve you in the future: Spend this time exploring London's club scene. I promise you'll find at least one club where chained-up men are included with cover. You'll never go back to storing chained-up men at home once you've had them fresh: They're friendlier, the club will supply the chains and you'll save a ton of clean-up time. And captives don't make good conversation, since they're busy fearing for their lives. Isn't open communication what it's all about?

The Star Savior