Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Sandra Bernhard's Sarah Palin rape joke

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior