Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

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Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Madonna's divorce and A-Rod rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Madonna. After a long time of denying rumors, Guy Ritchie and I are getting a divorce. Now, there's another round of rumors about my relationship with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

If you want to avoid feeding rumors, you should keep your distance from A-Rod for a while. However, don't close yourself off to dating in the meantime. Until the rumors stop, you should only date guys who are totally unknown. The more unknown, the better. So I recommend the homeless.

Once you're ready for A-Rod, your time dating the homeless will give you lots of new things to talk about -- like getting shots. There’s your first trip together.

If you're not sold on the idea yet, dating homeless men has advantages. A homeless man won’t ever be too busy with his work. Even better, you would have open communication, since homeless guys love to let you know what they want. It's what they do. And when you’re dating a homeless man, he’s always up for just spending time at home -- your home, since everybody is at his place.

On top of that, homeless men are easier to buy gifts for. Once in a while, surprise him with a bunch of fresh-picked cans. Or have his shopping cart washed and detailed. For his birthday, give him a cup of change. For Christmas or Valentine's Day, get him a new squeegee. And have it engraved with an inspirational message like "Keep reaching for the cars."

It’s just a matter of finding the right homeless guy for you. Try Web sites like HoboHookup.com or BumBunnies.net. Start hitting happy hour at the nearest shelter. Hang out at public libraries, so you can snag a homeless guy right after his sink bath. Before you know it, you'll wish A-Rod smelled like pink hand soap and brown paper towels.

The Star Savior

Don Cornelius' domestic-violence arrest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Don Cornelius, the creator and former host of the TV show "Soul Train." I was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence after someone reported a domestic dispute. I'm free on bail until my court appearance next month. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Don,

I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information about the alleged domestic dispute. Did you beat her while going down a Soul Train Line? And did she not call police because your punches scrambled her words?

The Star Savior

Angelina Jolie's 7-year-old gets knives

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s actress Angelina Jolie. I just continued a family tradition by getting my 7-year-old son a set of knives. My mom gave me my first daggers when I was 11 or 12, and I’ve decided to do the same for my kids. What do you think?


Dear Angelina,

I think you're keeping up a great tradition by giving each of your kids a set of knives. But now you need to add a new tradition: getting a new set of kids.

The Star Savior

Hugh Hefner's breakup

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner. One of my three girlfriends has decided to stop seeing me. I saw this coming after I told her that I don't want to be married and have children. She's still here in the Playboy Mansion, but she says it's over, so I guess it's over. What do you think I should do?

Dear Hugh,

You are absolutely right. When she says it's over, it's over, and there is nothing to keep her from leaving. But there should be. Nothing keeps a relationship going like shackles. I promise: She won't ever leave you if she can't.

You need to make a grand romantic gesture to keep her from leaving you, and the best way to say “don’t leave me” is to chain her to a radiator. That's right: Imprisonment can be romantic.

Keeping her as a captive girlfriend instead of a wife guarantees that she won’t go anywhere. If she runs away from your marriage, she gets half of your money. If she tries to run away while she’s chained up, she gets half of her leg.

A relationship with a hostage has plenty of challenges -- mostly for her. So you really have to let her know what she means to you. And don't save it for special days. She might not survive.

Let her know that money is no object, even though she is. Start by chaining her up with designer high-end shackles. It turns out that shackles have gotten a lot nicer since slavery.

For a small treat every few days, let her stand up. Every now and then, surprise her with breakfast in bed -- actually, breakfast on the radiator she's chained to. Try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to her bathroom bucket.

For a special romantic night, take her on a trip down to the basement for dinner under the bare light bulb. But don't worry about finding her favorite wine. After she's been chained up for a while, she'll love any fluid that she didn't produce.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Star Jones

Dear Star Jones,

I just heard that you and Al Reynolds have finalized your divorce. I understand your wish for privacy, since the media has been all over your marriage, especially after Al's announcement that he used to be gay. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know one thing: Have you both started seeing other men?

The Star Savior