Amy Winehouse's smoking problem

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse. I checked back into a hospital this week, just three days after I spent a few days there for testing. I have some smoking-related lung problems, and my doctor has told me to quit smoking, but I’ve been struggling with it. What do you think I should do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would say you were failing by smoking after your doctor told you to quit, but I saw that you had a strategy. You weren’t falling off the wagon. You were trying to quit smoking by breaking your lungs. That’s thinking inside the carton.

You saw what your doctor couldn’t see: If you ever quit smoking, you would overdose on fresh air. That's because you are one of the great smokers of our time, equally talented with both cigarettes and crack. And you're too good at it to quit now.

But if you have to quit smoking, nicotine patches aren’t enough. It’s time to go radical.

It looks like the best way for you to quit smoking is to have your hands removed. On top of being smoke-free, if you give up your hands, you’ll lose a few pounds.

But if you'd like to try using your hands for something other than smoking, there are other ways to quit. For example, to cut down on your smoking at home, try a gas leak. At the worst, you’ll only fall off the wagon once.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's falls off the wagon

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I went to rehab a few times last year, and I’ve really been trying to stay away from drinking. But I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I drank some champagne from a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party, and I drank Grey Goose vodka from a bottle and had some vodka cocktails Friday night. And I was videotaped and seen by reporters. What should I do?

Dear Lindsay,

The quick fix is for you to start doing your drinking at home, away from judging eyes and cameras. What you lose in social surroundings, you can make up for in sheer drinking volume. It’ll pay for itself after your first blackout. As the saying goes, when a drunk passes out and no one’s around, it never happened. If you’re still not sold on drinking at home, remember this: There’s no last call at home. The floor’s the limit.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears and mental health

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. For some reason, my family members think I need mental help, and they're trying to force me into treatment, even if it takes a court order. I have everything under control, so how can I let them know I don't need to be in a mental hospital?


Dear Britney,

To let them know you're serious about handling your own mental health, put together your own in-house mental facility. The first step is to get a nice form-fitting straitjacket, preferably in a neutral color so you can accessorize. Since the straitjacket will be your foundation piece, don't be cheap and get one at Wal-Mart. Invest in quality. It'll pay for itself after two breakdowns. And have your straitjacket tailored or altered. The last thing you need during a breakdown is to worry about your straitjacket riding up. Best of all, a straitjacket only covers the upper body, so you can still skip the underwear.

The Star Savior