Shaq's restraining order

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm basketball player Shaquille O'Neal. My former mistress just got a restraining order against me. She said I threatened her after we stop seeing each other and harassed her with obscene phone calls full of heavy breathing. I have to stay at least 200 yards from her until I go to court next month to see if the restraining order will stick. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Shaq,

At this point, your best bet is to leave her alone and move on. You shouldn't stalk a woman you've been involved with. You should be stalking strangers.

Why, you ask? Because you can't put a restraining order on someone you don't know. It's straight from scripture.

I know it's rough after losing a stalking relationship. You might have low self-esteem, thinking you don't have what it takes to make obscene calls. But there's a brand-new restraining order that says you've still got it. The key is to get right back out there.

Ask your friends if they know any women who are interested in being stalked. (If they're not interested, stalk them anyway. That's the beauty of stalking: Every woman is available.) If you've met any women at church, give them obscene calls -- while you're in church. Join a book club and dazzle the women with your best moaning. And keep a hand down your pants. It's a great ice-breaker.

If you're shy about making obscene calls to someone new, use a wingman. Have a friend do the heavy breathing while you ask what color her panties are. Have your friend handle the moaning while you describe the state of your wiener. While you tell her you're touching yourself, have your friend hold the phone for you so you can actually touch yourself. Nobody likes a liar -- not even during an obscene call. It's rude.

But the hardest part of a stalking relationship is keeping it alive. It's all about keeping things fresh and letting her know you still care.

For example, learn the French versions of phrases like "down my pants." On her birthday, send her an obscene singing telegram at work, and make sure the song includes "smell you." During an everyday obscene call, send her a snapshot of your crotch -- just because. Nothing says love like nuts.

The Star Savior

Gary Glitter booted from Asia

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm former glam rocker Gary Glitter. I was released from prison in Vietnam this week after spending three years locked up for child sex abuse. I was kicked out of Vietnam, then Hong Kong and Thailand wouldn't let me in, then I was sent back to London. Since I'm blacklisted in Cambodia, too, I guess I'll have to stay in London now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

I know your time in prison must have been rough. And I'm sure you'll really miss Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam. But look at the bright side: London has lots of kids.

Yes, Southeast Asia has a stronger pedophile community, but that doesn't mean you can't get lucky at home. It's just a matter of doing the legwork.

Your first stop should be the Center for Pedophile Tourism. It's set up for traveling pedophiles, as well as kid-lovers who are new in town or getting back on their feet. So stop by for some brochures and learn about local kiddie opportunities. Take their tour of local kid-hunting spots. Maybe you could attend their weekly pedophile mixer. (Note: The mixers are BYOB, "Bring a Youth Or Beat it.")

You should start building contacts on the Internet with social networking sites like Yunguns.net, TykeTail.org and KiddiePoke.com. That's how the better pedophiles do it. They review each area's child-sex scene in detail, ranking them in categories like kid density, variety, amount of adult supervision and cost (in terms of local candy).

Members of these sites also share "shopping tips." For example, here's a tip from 14cutoff: Invite neighborhood kids into your home to play with your dog, but tell them your dog is allergic to clothes.

I'm sure there are lots of child-sex treasures right in your own backyard. So play tourist in London and check out the kid-hunting spots you've ignored all these years. After all, there's no place like home -- if it's near a playground.

The Star Savior

Jerry Lewis' airport gun

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm comedian Jerry Lewis. I was detained for carrying a gun in my baggage at an airport, and I ended up receiving a citation and having my gun confiscated. I don't see why the gun was a problem. It was unloaded, and it was just a beautiful gift from an engraver. What do you think?


Dear Jerry,

You might not see it yet, but this situation is a good thing. The world has heard you describe a gun as an object of beauty. And they're opening up to the idea that weapons are works of art.

Think of the gas-station robbers. They used to run away after shooting a cashier. Now, they stay to talk about their shooting style over wine and cheese. Robberies are huge social events. Sure, the cashiers are killed, but their bodies are perfect bullet sculptures. Gun art changes lives -- especially for cashiers.

Think of the school teachers. Now, they can get arts grants that help pay for shootings. That means teachers don't have to pay for the shooting supplies. Do you have any idea how much art stores charge for bullets?

Think of the traveling bomb artists -- so-called "terrorists." They used to be limited to doing shows on buses and trains. Now, all they have to do is pack their display bombs and head to the airport. They still ride the bus, but that's because it's the cheapest way from the explosives district. Suicide bombers like to save money, too.

You have taught the world a valuable art lesson. So you're wrong. Your taking a gun into an airport was a big deal. It's a big deal for the high-school kid with a piece in his locker. He won't be expelled. He'll get an art scholarship.

The Star Savior

The Spanish basketball team goes racist

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Spain's Olympic basketball team. We've been catching a lot of heat for a photo of our players pulling back the skin at their eyes to mimic the eyes of Chinese people. We didn't think it would offend anyone, and our players have apologized, but people are still bothered. Also, the photo was for an ad for a courier company, and the eye thing was the company's idea. What do you think?


Dear Spanish Basketball Team,

As it turns out, your photo actually was a misstep. But the problem isn't your racist gesture. The problem is that the team overlooked one key fact: Racism is totally fine if it promotes the right product.

How do you think Pringles got started? Pringles used to be called "Darkies" back when it was cheaper to use only potato skins.

Nobody talks about it, but segregation was created to help launch Ho Hos. That's right: The Jim Crow laws were made to promote snack cakes. The nation wasn't ready for chocolate-and-creme-swirled cakes -- "separate but equal" at its finest. So Hostess made a few calls to get some racist policy going. And it worked.

We've all seen images of black people suffering all sorts of indignities back then. It's upsetting. But if you take that same footage and add a close-up on a box of Ho Hos, it all makes sense.

The next time you're offered money to make a racist gesture, take some time to think about it. Don't waste racism on the wrong product. Think big. You could be the next Ronald McDonald. (I'll tell you the Big Mac story later.)

The Star Savior

Shia LaBeouf's drunken wreck

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Shia LaBeouf again. I was charged with driving under the influence after an accident that flipped my pickup truck and injured my head, my left hand and a knee. Police determined that I wasn't at fault for the accident, but I still thought I should check in with you for some advice. What do you think?


Dear Shia,

For future reference, your mistake wasn't that you drove drunk. The mistake was where you drove drunk.

The next time you're wasted and have an urge to get behind the wheel, do your drunk driving in places with fewer cars and more objects -- including pedestrians. I recommend drunk driving in the ambulance zone of a hospital. Most of the people there are already pre-hurt, so hitting them with your car isn't a big deal. You would be doing them a favor: Patients get a bulk discount for multiple injuries. It's best to stock up.

Even better, crashing into pre-injured people instead of cars is more earth-friendly. For starters, no matter how hard your car hits a person, they won't leak gas and oil all over the place. They won't catch fire and explode. On top of that, pre-hurt people are already at the hospital, so they won't have to do any extra travel if you smash into them outside. In fact, you'll help them get to the hospital quicker if you hit them from the back. Nobody said injury can't be convenient.

The Star Savior

Andy Dick's sexual-battery bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m comedian Andy Dick. I was arrested last week for investigation of drug use and sexual battery. The police arrested me for allegedly pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s tank top and bra, causing a disturbance outside a bar and urinating in public. I’m out on bail now, but do you have any advice for me?


Dear Andy,

This case may be beyond fixing, but I have advice for future reference: Do your out-of-place peeing in a bathroom. There’s no law against it.

When you urinate outside, you can only pee on dirt, concrete or a wall -- all of which have their charms -- or maybe a car. But you’re better than that.

When you pee indoors, the ceiling is the limit. Peeing in a bathroom doesn’t have to mean using a urinal or toilet. Indoors, you can pee on the floor, the walls and the fixtures -- all at once, with a little planning. You can hit the toilet-seat covers, the soap dispensers, the hand dryers and the paper towels. (If you want to be earth-friendly, pee on some paper towels, dry them, then pee on them again. Who says inconsiderate peeing can’t be green?)

Consider this: When you’re outside, can you pee on a condom machine? What about a diaper-changing station? That’s the beauty of indoor whizzing: the variety.

That’s just the beginning. It gets even better with the help of a bathroom attendant. Think of him as your pee Sherpa, there to help you do the most inconsiderate peeing you can. If you tip the bathroom attendant well, you can whiz in the cologne. You can unload in the lotion. Have you ever pissed on mints? It’s totally worth the tip. (You can pee on that, too.)

The next time you’re outside and you feel pee time coming, remember this: Location, location, location. Take it inside and head for the bathroom. You’ll thank me when you’ve pissed on a mirror.

The Star Savior

J-Lo's dog-bite lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer and actress Jennifer Lopez. A former flight attendant claims that my dog bit her on her leg during a flight, causing her to fall and hurt her back. She says her back injury has made her unable to work, and she’s suing me for $5 million. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Jennifer,

Being sued can teach you one important lesson: Don’t let your dog make impulse bites. As a celebrity, you should have a staff of people hired to be bitten by your dog.

That woman only sued you because she was bitten without being paid up-front. Freelance bite-takers always worry about being burned by deadbeat clients. They didn’t go to grad school to be bitten for free.

However, if you’re going to invest in prepaid dog bites, make sure to get the most for your money.

For example, don’t settle for bites to arms and legs. You don’t want your dog filling up on the cheap stuff. People have four limbs, so arm and leg bite space is cheap: They could have a dog biting each limb at the same time, and your dog would be just another set of teeth. For the best value, buy your dog the exclusive rights to the torso or the crotch. That way, your dog gets the bite-taker’s full attention. One can’t multitask with teeth in his balls.

Also, don’t be afraid to splurge once in a while. For a special occasion, consider treating your dog to a face bite. It’ll cost you, but he’s worth it. After all, a dog is man’s best friend — except for the man he bites.

The Star Savior