Lindsay Lohan's falls off the wagon

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I went to rehab a few times last year, and I’ve really been trying to stay away from drinking. But I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon. I drank some champagne from a bottle at a New Year’s Eve party, and I drank Grey Goose vodka from a bottle and had some vodka cocktails Friday night. And I was videotaped and seen by reporters. What should I do?

Dear Lindsay,

The quick fix is for you to start doing your drinking at home, away from judging eyes and cameras. What you lose in social surroundings, you can make up for in sheer drinking volume. It’ll pay for itself after your first blackout. As the saying goes, when a drunk passes out and no one’s around, it never happened. If you’re still not sold on drinking at home, remember this: There’s no last call at home. The floor’s the limit.

The Star Savior

O.J. jailed for violating bail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m O.J. Simpson. Up until Friday, I was out on bail after being arrested for an armed robbery of my own sports memorabilia from a hotel in Las Vegas. I was sent to jail Friday for trying to call one of my co-defendants to stop him from cooperating with authorities. Was this really such a bad move on my part?

Dear O.J.,

A phone call wasn’t the best way to stop this co-defendant from working with authorities. Since you live in Florida, you should have tapped into your local voodoo community. Unlike phone calls, voodoo can’t be traced back to you, and it has no long-distance charges. On top of that, Florida’s voodoo community has an excellent tech-support team that would help set up your voodoo doll and customize a chant for your situation. The bones aren’t included, but you might know where to find some for free.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears and mental health

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. For some reason, my family members think I need mental help, and they're trying to force me into treatment, even if it takes a court order. I have everything under control, so how can I let them know I don't need to be in a mental hospital?


Dear Britney,

To let them know you're serious about handling your own mental health, put together your own in-house mental facility. The first step is to get a nice form-fitting straitjacket, preferably in a neutral color so you can accessorize. Since the straitjacket will be your foundation piece, don't be cheap and get one at Wal-Mart. Invest in quality. It'll pay for itself after two breakdowns. And have your straitjacket tailored or altered. The last thing you need during a breakdown is to worry about your straitjacket riding up. Best of all, a straitjacket only covers the upper body, so you can still skip the underwear.

The Star Savior