Episode 9

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

— I reach out to Madonna after a court stops her from adopting a child

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read “Dear Star Savior” and listen to previous episodes.

Download “Dear Star Savior: Episode 9″ (MP3, 4:27, 6.1 MB)

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Madonna's shot-down adoption

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Madonna. A court recently blocked me from adopting a child from Malawi, but I'm not ready to stop trying. This girl has already become attached, so I can't give up on adopting her. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

Just because the court blocked your adoption in Malawi doesn't mean you have to go empty-handed. I recommend kidnapping.

It turns out that there is a decent selection of African kids right here in the United States. The next time you see some, just help yourself. And stock up so you won't have to look for more when you run out. Even better, if you make sure the kids aren't related, you can breed them.

To be fair, I have to warn you that raising kidnapped children can lead to awkward conversations later. If they start asking questions, you should be totally honest with them. For example, "Where do babies come from? Parks. Why isn't my daddy here? Speed."

In case you're not sold on the idea, consider this: Kidnapping is a great workout. First, you chase the kids. Then, you might have to wrestle them away from their parents before you haul them off to your car. It's like Tae Bo with an Amber Alert.

If that's not enough for you, remember that kidnapping helps the economy. Instead of trying to save their money for things like college funds, the parents will spend money producing fliers, and they'll buy extra milk to look for their kids on the cartons.

On top of that, kidnapping is earth-friendly. First of all, no children are wasted, since kidnapping is just reuse of existing kids. And if you grab multiple kids on each trip, you'll be carpooling. Otherwise, all of those kids would ride home in each of their parents' cars. Also, the adoption process wastes a lot of paper, but kidnapping is paper-free. So do it for Mother Earth. Her kids take longer to replace.

I hope this helps you realize that you don't have to go all the way to Malawi for adoption. You might find your next African kid right in your own backyard — actually, someone else's.

The Star Savior