Michael Jackson faces Neverland foreclosure

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Michael Jackson. I have to pay a balance of nearly $25 million to keep Neverland Valley Ranch in California from being foreclosed and sold. I haven’t spent much time there since I was acquitted on charges of sexually molesting a boy there after giving him alcohol, and state authorities shut it down in 2006, but I don’t want to lose Neverland. What should I do?

Dear Michael,

Since you have ties to the Los Angeles area and you used to live in Bahrain, you could take advantage of having two worlds. Celebrities love hitting benefit events, so you could raise money for Neverland with an auction of any young boy buddies you may have met in Bahrain. They might have been sold into prostitution in Bahrain anyway, but coming from a U.S. auction would look good on their resumes. For even more charity, the celebrities who win would donate their boys to Bahrain’s poorer prostitution rings, so they could afford to offer free parking and better insurance. As a bonus, the donations would be tax-deductible if the celebrities were willing to turn in receipts with “hooker boy” on them.

The Star Savior

Diddy's punch explanation

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Sean Combs, also known as P. Diddy or Puff Daddy. I’m being sued by a man who said I punched him at a party in Hollywood, but I recently explained to the court that I didn’t punch him. He came lunging at me, and I instinctively outstretched an open hand to shield myself. Any contact that happened was because he ran into my stationary open hand. My explanation makes sense, right?

Dear Diddy,

I think you should be more specific in your explanation. Go with this: “We all know what Einstein said about punch-out illusions, so I’ll skip the basics. The chemicals in this guy’s aftershave were drawn to the metals in my ring, so powerfully that it sent him sprinting jaw-first at my open hand, which didn’t move. I know it seemed like a perfect right hook with good follow-through, but that’s just the magic of science. And I only fled because the chemicals in my shoes repel jail.”

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior