Oprah goes vegan

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host and juggernaut Oprah Winfrey. After re-reading “A New Earth,” I was inspired to go vegan for 21 days. That’s right: I’m off meat and animal products. It’s part of my spiritual growth and new concern for animals. As a fellow vegan, do you have any advice for me?

Dear Oprah,

I commend you for going vegan for a while as part of your spiritual growth and concern for animals, but you don’t have to do it. You should outsource it to your followers. Have them go vegan on your behalf, and see how it works.

If going vegan works well and your followers experience spiritual growth, buy them out. (I’m sure you have a budget for spiritual acquisitions.) But when you buy their spiritual growth, don’t keep any parts of their souls. They contain dairy.

But if going vegan doesn’t work for your followers or if something goes wrong, let them deal with it. They’re replaceable. You’re not. Think of it this way: If going vegan somehow kills one of your followers, you can count that as getting rid of an animal product.

The Star Savior

Dolly Parton v. Howard Stern

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m country singer Dolly Parton. I am furious with Howard Stern. He took a bunch of comments I have made and edited them to sound racist and sexually explicit for a bit on his radio show. What can I do to keep this from happening again?

Dear Dolly,

Speaking in public comes with the risk of having your words warped by someone else. It’s unavoidable. So I recommend that you start recording your own offensive sound bites so you can control what goes into them. And there’s a bonus: You can use your inappropriate comments to promote causes you believe in.

Start with something simple like “Black people should go back to Africa — and drop off some food.” Then you could try “I hate faggots who don’t recycle.” When you're ready for it, consider “Nothing turns me on like a good fist — full of money for cancer research.” You might be uncomfortable with that last one, but it would really help raise awareness for cancer — and fisting.

The Star Savior