Britney Spears' kid-free car

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. A judge ruled that I can no longer drive with my children in the car with me, since I supposedly failed a drug test and there is a video of me running a red light with my kids in the car. This is so unfair! What do you think I should do?


Dear Britney Spears,

Since you're not allowed to have your kids in the car, you should focus on providing more danger at home to make up the difference. Otherwise, your kids will be confused by all the new safety. The good news for you is that the home offers plenty of ways to endanger kids' lives. After breakfast, you could have one of them wash the toaster. For a little fun, you could teach them bathtub diving. They could learn to count while stuffing paper clips into electrical outlets.

It might take a little planning and work, but it will be worth it. After all, these are your kids' formative years. The worst thing is for them to get their danger from someone else.

The Star Savior

Boy George's chained-male charge

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Boy George, the former frontman of Culture Club. Police have charged me with false imprisonment for keeping a man chained to a wall at my home in London. I'm out on bail until my court appearance on Nov. 22, so I have a little time to prepare. Do you have any advice?


Dear Boy George,

I can't think of any way to improve your chances in court, but I have a recommendation that will serve you in the future: Spend this time exploring London's club scene. I promise you'll find at least one club where chained-up men are included with cover. You'll never go back to storing chained-up men at home once you've had them fresh: They're friendlier, the club will supply the chains and you'll save a ton of clean-up time. And captives don't make good conversation, since they're busy fearing for their lives. Isn't open communication what it's all about?

The Star Savior

Dog's N-word interview

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Duane "Dog" Chapman again. I finally did an interview about those recorded phone conversations in which I repeatedly used the "N" word in a rant about my son's black girlfriend. Here's what I said in the interview: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t know really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I’m not black at all." I think that makes it clear that I'm not racist. What do you think??


Dear Dog,

You might be onto something. If people accept what you said about not knowing you were "not black at all," you'll be free to expand beyond N-Word Town. Just make sure to explain yourself properly. Here's a freebie to get you on your feet: "When I called that lady a b*tch, I meant it as a friendly word from one woman to another. In my 54 years, I never noticed that I had man parts flopping around down there. I grew up in a home where we never looked at ourselves below eye-level. No, I was never tipped off by all the standing urination or penetrative sex with my wife."

The Star Savior

Dog the Bounty Hunter's racist rant

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Duane “Dog” Chapman, but you might know me better as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from my reality TV show. The National Enquirer just exposed a recorded telephone conversation in which I made racist remarks about my son’s black girlfriend, including the “N” word. I’m not racist, but I was really angry and lost my head for those eight minutes. I called the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain. He said he wouldn’t excuse my “hate language,” but he said I could show my sincerity by joining his march against hate crimes and racial attacks. What do you think?

Dear Dog,

Al Sharpton probably won’t give you the pardon you want, but you should join him for the march, anyway. It’s a huge networking opportunity. While you’re there, explain your racist outburst to Sharpton’s peers, preferably the ones who grew up in places where an arsonist would be pardoned if he gave firefighters directions to the burning building and left drinks and snacks for them. You might even meet exposed racists who paved the way for you to be caught dropping N-bombs on tape. Nothing beats meeting a legend; they can offer tips you won’t get anywhere else. I hope you’ll do the same for the next generation. Take plenty of pictures!

The Star Savior