Amy Winehouse's bar brawling

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer Amy Winehouse. I spent a night in jail after punching a man for getting in my way while I was playing pool at a bar and head-butting a guy who was trying to hail me a cab. The incident is going on my record, which could be hurt me later because of my erratic behavior and drug problems. I’m kind of worried. What do you think?

Dear Amy,

The problem isn’t that you punched a guy and head-butted another guy; it’s that you head-butted a guy in front of a cab driver. This added reality to a cab driver's greatest fear: the fear of being head-butted by a dark-haired alleged crackhead.

Your head-butting might make things worse for cab riders who look like you. They might be forced to pay a head-butt insurance fee — if they can even get cab drivers to stop for them. However, you can use your celebrity status to keep that from happening.

Start an organization to promote awareness of the many dark-haired alleged crackheads who don’t head-butt. Exhibit pictures of these women working, running errands, socializing and riding in cabs while keeping their heads to themselves. Let the world know that even though you’re a head-butter, you can control it by keeping your head in a holster. (No, a head holster isn’t the same thing as a hat or a headband.) And when you go out, make sure to keep your head’s safety lock on. It'll be easy to remember: The switch that shuts off head-butting is the same one that shuts off a crack pipe.

The Star Savior

O.J. won't be on 'The Apprentice'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m a representative of the TV network NBC. This week, there were media reports that O.J. Simpson would appear on “The Apprentice,” but we have never considered him for the show. Do you think we made a mistake?

Dear NBC,

I understand why you might be apprehensive about having O.J. Simpson on the show, since he has been accused of killing his wife and committing a robbery. However, you could be missing a huge opportunity: “The Criminal Apprentice.” If you put O.J. Simpson on the show, you’d gain a whole new demographic: adults with disposable income and disposable spouses.

“The Criminal Apprentice” could feature teams of criminals competing in crimes they’re not familiar with. For example, create a team of alleged murderers and a team of alleged robbers — they’d have to flip a coin for O.J. Simpson — and send them onto city buses for a groping competition.

How does this involve business, you ask? Each team would have to do as much city-bus groping as possible on a $150 budget.

They’d have to pay for bus fare and might try to negotiate discounts under the Fondle Fare program. They’d have to do market research to find out which buses offer the most groping opportunities per dollar. (Each bus line has a Grope Grade. It’s affected by gas prices.) They might take training from professional sex offenders and have to scramble to rent a space legally far enough from kids.

To put a smiley face on it, have the criminals grope for charity. If only nobody had used the name Hands Across America.

The Star Savior

Jessica Simpson’s baby jealousy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Jessica Simpson. My younger sister Ashlee may be pregnant. While I’m happy for her, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that I’m not planning a wedding and having a baby. What do you think?

Dear Jessica,

If you’re bothered by the idea of your younger sister having a baby before you, don’t be: You can still beat her to the punch. The streets are flooded with sperm that’s there for the taking if you’re up for a tradeoff. You’ll gain a new option for every standard you drop.

Traditional types might tell you to hit a bar and try to conceive a child in a bottle-powered one-night-stand. The only problem with this is that meeting guys in person might tempt you to be selective. Remember: Nothing gets in the way of quick pregnancy like standards.

If you’re really serious about scoring some sperm and aren’t dead-set on having a guy involved, take an extreme self-serve approach. Go to one of the sketchier neighborhoods and keep your eyes peeled for used condoms. If you don’t know where to look for used condoms, find a local drug connoisseur and follow the needle tracks on their arms. For a used-rubber hunter, that’s the North Star.

Once you’re pregnant, making up for your sister’s headstart means getting that baby out of there as soon as possible. As soon as your belly is big enough, start an exercise program based on crunches. Join a co-ed rodeo team. Lie face-down on a moving conveyer belt. If you do this one at a grocery store and it works, have the baby put in a paper bag. Plastic bags are dangerous for babies.

The Star Savior

Conan O'Brien's stalker-priest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host Conan O’Brien. A Catholic priest who had been stalking me pleaded guilty in court this week, and the judge fined him and ordered him to stay away from me for two years. But this priest calls himself one my “most dangerous fans.” Should I still be worried?

Dear Conan,

Even with a two-year order to stay away, the priest isn’t done stalking you. Religious stalkers are the worst kind. They’re willing to go all the way for their stalking, even if it gets them in trouble with the law. They have Jesus as a role model, so they don’t fear execution. However, persistent religious types have a weakness: They won’t go where they’re not needed.

Find some bodyguards, but not big imposing guys. Round up a staff of guys who look exactly like the stalker-priest. Start by having the look-alikes take rotating shifts of fake-stalking you 24/7, and make sure the stalker-priest sees it. He's busy with his church and can’t give you that kind of attention, so he might back off. Stalkers have commitment issues. During your shows, have the look-alikes appear on camera and use stalker-grade bushes and windows. (Don’t go with low-quality or fake stuff: Real stalkers will notice. They're snobs about that kind of thing.)

Then, have your camera crew film you and a stalker look-alike for a sex tape. But make sure to perform selfishly and leave right afterward. The stalker-priest will leave you alone. Stalkers have abandonment issues, and they avoid people who don’t cuddle.

The Star Savior

Wyclef's anti-crime ad for Haiti

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?

Dear Wyclef,

I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.

You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.

Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?

The Star Savior