Episode 3

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

-- I show Clay Aiken a downside of his announcement that he’s gay
-- I advise Kanye West after his arrest for attacking a photographer
-- I ask Nicole Kidman about the roots of her latest pregnancy

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 3" (MP3, 7:04, 3.2 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Clay Aiken's coming-out

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's singer Clay Aiken. In a People magazine article, I announced that I'm gay. I decided to come out because I wasn’t raised to lie or hide things, and I can’t raise my son to do that. I may have turned off some of my fans, but I’ve gained a lot of support from gay groups and this was something I couldn’t keep hiding. What do you think?


Dear Clay,

It's great that you decided to publicly come out, especially since you've gained so much support from gay groups. But I think you've sold yourself short.

Since you made your coming-out all about the well-being of your baby, you turned your back on another major group: deadbeat dads. You could have gained the support of two groups at once by coming out and then running out on your kid.

But it's not too late to win deadbeat dads over. It’s just a matter of using another magazine article to announce that you’re ditching your son.

If you think it would be hard to run out on your son, you're wrong: There are way more places away from your kid than with him, so you really can't miss. Like they say, there's no place like home, so don't stay there.

I recommend using a classic child-abandonment story as an excuse to get out of the house. And if you have problems with being dishonest, don't worry. You don't have to lie to walk out on your kid.

For example, if you say you're going out for cigarettes, go out and actually buy a pack. On your way out of town, stop by the house and leave the receipt in the mailbox. If you start feeling guilty, leave the kid a few smokes.

If you say you're going out to grab a newspaper, go buy a newspaper at a gas station -- in Kenya. Mail your son the comics and a hint for the Jumble. He'll appreciate it down the road.

But there are options for bailing on your son without traveling. Here’s a tip: Call a missing-kids hotline to see if they know a kidnapper with an opening for a boy. When a kidnapper gets a kid from a referral, the pick-up is free.

Deadbeat dads need some good buzz, and this is your chance to make it happen. You can show how much deadbeat dads contribute to the world -- most of it.

The Star Savior

Kanye West's photographer-attack case

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s rapper Kanye West. I was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after struggling with a photographer and breaking his camera and then lunging at a videographer. There won't be felony charges against me and my manager, but I still may be charged with a misdemeanor. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Kanye,

Even though you won't face felony charges, your arrest was a sign: It’s time for you to stop attacking random photographers in airports. You should start attacking them away from airports, in places where you can really make a connection.

Photographer attacks aren’t meant to be done when you're rushing out of town. At an airport, you can’t really commit to an attack. You should be able to take your time and give it your full attention. Tell me this about the photographer you attacked: What color were his eyes? I’ll bet you didn't even notice.

I think it’s time for you to start looking for one special photographer to settle down with and attack. Do you want to still be lunging at strange photographers in airports when you’re 50? Do you want to spend your golden years worried about where a stranger’s camera has been?

If you want to find The One, you have to put yourself out there and change your approach. And don't limit yourself to attacking celebrity photographers. It's time to start attacking the photographers you never noticed before. The next time you're at Sears or Wal-Mart, lunge at the person working the camera. Just lunge at them. Don't go all the way with an attack yet. You'll ruin things if you move too fast.

You'll find that when you attack a photographer away from an airport, it really means something. You won't have to attack with one hand while you hold baggage with the other. You can use metal objects to spice up your hand-to-hand attacks. And you won't have to interrupt your attacks to take off your shoes for security. You'll thank me after your first kick.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Nicole Kidman

Dear Nicole,

I just heard that you're expecting another baby. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information. I'm not clear on what you meant when you said your pregnancy was caused by an Australian waterfall. Is an "Australian waterfall" something you might see in porn?

The Star Savior

Episode 2

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

-- I show actor Ryan O'Neal the bright side of being arrested for possession of methamphetamine

-- I help actor Gary Coleman see an opportunity in being sued for attacking a fan

-- I reach out to Lindsay Lohan after she is seen punching a photographer

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 2" (MP3, 6:17, 3 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Ryan O'Neal's meth bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Ryan O’Neal. My son and I were arrested last week after authorities said they found methamphetamine in my home. We’re out on bail now, but we could be charged with felonies. What do think I should do?


Dear Ryan,

I certainly understand your enjoyment of meth. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while, and who doesn't like to wind down by scratching at imaginary bugs on their skin? But meth isn't good for keeping around the house. So being arrested gives you a reason to find new ways to keep meth in your life.

If your meth is for medical purposes, you have made an excellent choice. There is no better treatment for getting rid of unwanted teeth. But it may be time for you to go natural. You should try household products that can give the same results as using meth. For example, you could replace your toothbrush with a small hammer.

But if your meth is for weight loss, there's a catch: You'll lose weight, but it's mostly water and hope. A better approach is to incorporate meth ingredients into your diet. For breakfast, you could sprinkle your cereal with Sudafed and have a glass of battery juice.

Of course, no weight-loss plan is complete without exercise. It turns out that meth withdrawal is a good way to get in shape. Not many people know this, but the shakes are great for cardio. For a good weight-training workout, hold dumbbells while you tweak. To work all of your abs, twist from side to side while you vomit.

Nobody said meth can’t be healthy.

The Star Savior

Gary Coleman's truck-hit lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Gary Coleman. I've been sued by a man who claims that I punched him in the chest and hit him with my truck after an argument at a bowling alley. The argument started when he kept taking pictures of me after my bodyguard told him to stop or pay $20 per photo. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Gary,

You might not see it now, but being sued could be a big opportunity for you. It's a chance to call attention to what could be your next big thing. People have options for getting pictures of celebrities, but where can they get a picture of a celebrity who then punches them and hits them with a truck? Only from Gary Coleman.

You weren't wrong to hit that guy with your truck because he didn't pay for a photo. But it should have been an advertised deal. Being hit by a truck seems OK if you get a receipt.

If you want to make the most of this, it's time to think big. You should start by buying a truck made for hitting pedestrians. At the dealership, ask what safety features can be removed. For example, do you really need brakes? Ask for extra blind spots. Have them tint your headlights.

Since you're best known as an actor, you should take extra steps to let people know you're serious about punching and running over fans. Your first move should be to get some training under your belt. Go learn why anger management is wrong. Get certified in drunk driving. Study the basics of domestic violence.

There may be days when you just don’t feel like running over people or punching chests. You might feel tempted to peacefully let them take pictures of you. Don’t let that happen. The most important thing is to always remember why you started running over fans: to reach out to them, with your bumper.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

I just heard that you were seen punching a photographer after stumbling and apparently assuming that the photographer had tripped you. I'd like to offer advice, but I need to know one thing about your policy of punching things that make you stumble: Did you ever punch your drinks?

The Star Savior

Episode 1

This week on "Dear Star Savior," the first audio version of the celebrity advice column:

-- Rapper T.I. gets advice about his child-support lawsuit

-- Lance Bass gets advice about a potential ‘N Sync reunion

-- I reach out to Star Jones after her divorce is finalized

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, leave me a message on the Celebrity Rescue Line at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to additional episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Ep. 1" (MP3, 6:29, 3 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

T.I.'s child-support rap

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm rapper T.I. The mother of two of my children has sued me for more child support. She claims that she's having a hard time supporting the boys with the $2,000 she gets from me every month. I think she's getting plenty of money, but she said she wants an amount that is equal to my success. What should I do?

Dear T.I.,

I hate to see you pay $2,000 a month for two kids, but there's a lesson in this: When it comes to having kids, it's best to stock up. You should have more kids with your ex so you can get a bulk discount on your child support.

Your project should be to get your ex's baby count way up there. Since you're no longer together and you're engaged to someone else, there's only one way to do it: You'll have to basically coat her entire world with your sperm.

The goal is to hit everything that comes within striking range of her uterus. Hit her furniture with a layer of sperm, and make sure to get both sides of the couch cushions. Load her underwear with sperm. Pack it into her shower head. Spermify all of her feminine products, and you'll have a baby that's fresh and ready to ride horses.

But if you need more of a quick fix, focus on making the existing kids cheaper to maintain. I recommend depression. It's a great cost-cutter.

If your kids are depressed, they'll eat less and their mom will need less money for food. And the kids will lose weight, which is perfect for you, since you can pay child support by the pound, now that obesity is so popular. To make sure the kids don't turn to stress eating, try to push them into some body-image issues. It turns out that anorexia is great for grocery savings. And it never expires.

The Star Savior

Lance Bass' reunion dream

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Lance Bass from 'N Sync. The guys are ready to get the band back together, but there's only one snag: Justin Timberlake is on tour non-stop. Everything else is lined up, but Justin is such a workaholic that he may never take a break from touring. And he's getting married soon, so that could add even more to his schedule. How can I help make this reunion work?

Dear Lance,

To make this reunion happen, you'll have to help Justin find a way to slow down. Workaholics are so into their jobs that they just can't see the need to back off. There's only one thing keeping Justin out on tour all the time: his success. So get rid of that.

One of the best ways to put the brakes on a music career is drugs. Once you get Justin hooked, he'll have plenty of time for 'N Sync. Nothing simplifies a busy life like addiction.

Since Justin's getting married soon, there's a golden opportunity to get him addicted. You'll have to make it happen, since most drug dealers don't offer wedding registries.

You could hold the reception in a crackhouse. They put together a pretty good spread, including some vegetarian dope and a carving station where they cut coke lines for guests.

You could have the rehearsal dinner catered by a meth lab. The waiters are energetic and they really have a passion for the menu. The meth lab could cater the reception, too, but you'd have to be really specific when you ask for an ice sculpture.

Of course, once Justin's back with 'N Sync, you'll have to deal with his addiction. But it's not a big deal. As it turns out, junkies love to dance. Just find a choreographer who can build a routine around the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Star Jones

Dear Star Jones,

I just heard that you and Al Reynolds have finalized your divorce. I understand your wish for privacy, since the media has been all over your marriage, especially after Al's announcement that he used to be gay. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know one thing: Have you both started seeing other men?

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan turns down Playboy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?

Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason. Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior

Helen Mirren's coke announcement

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?

Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Amy Winehouse

Dear Amy,

I just heard that you may face legal action from the organizers of a concert that you didn't show up for. I'd like to offer some advice, but I need to know what you meant when you said you skipped the concert because you had "taken ill." Does "ill" mean "crack"?

The Star Savior

Dad says Lindsay Lohan is drinking again

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay Lohan. My daughter is in a toxic relationship. Lindsay isn't working because she's always with this girl. And she's drinking again because this girl has been passing her drinks under the table. Lindsay needs to end it if she wants to get back on track, but she doesn't seem to understand. What do you think?


Dear Michael,

While you've been worried about Lindsay's relationship leading her back to alcohol, you have overlooked a great possibility: Alcohol could be the way to break up their relationship.

The key is to make Lindsay's life revolve around booze. Have her stylist recommend using gin as soap. Have her plumbing connected to kegs. Help her find a liquor store with a breakfast buffet.

It's just a matter of selling Lindsay on an all-liquor diet. Here's a tip: Have a physical trainer tell her how vomiting works the abs from the inside.

Here's how the overdrinking plan will break up Lindsay's relationship: They'll spend less quality time together, since Lindsay will be busy with her blackouts. They'll stop talking, since Lindsay's mouth will be busy drinking and vomiting. They'll have problems with intimacy, since they won't be able to cuddle under a toilet.

But if you want Lindsay to stop drinking, be prepared to give her something to fill the void. Start by finding out what it is about drinking that appeals to her. If she drinks for the lightheadedness, get her a gas leak. If she's in it for the vomiting, she might like food poisoning or the flu. If she drinks to lose her balance and fall, get her some muscular dystrophy.

But you shouldn't worry about the chance that Lindsay is drinking again. If she's back on the booze, this time, she's doing it with a mentor. For example, on her own, she wouldn't know the proper drinking dosage: all. Think of it like a Big Sister program -- but with more flashing.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's response to Dad

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. My dad has been talking to "Access Hollywood" about my relationship with Samantha Ronson, and he has no right to do it. He keeps saying the relationship is bad for me and Samantha is using me, but it's not because he cares about me. He keeps going to the media to get attention. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

If your dad is going to the media to get attention, there's only one way to stop him: Beat him at his own game. Go to the media with your own reports, but make sure yours get all the attention. It's all about taking what he says and topping it.

If he says your relationship is leading you to drink, tell the media that your relationship is with a drink. To make it real, follow up with a sex tape of you and a gin bottle. That's right: While your dad tells the world how you're back to having drinks, you'll show the world how drinks are having you. Here's a tip: Let the bottle be in control. It's hotter that way.

When you dad tells the media that Samantha is only with you so she can write a tell-all book, you shoot right back with a sex tape of you doing a book. And try to pace yourself. You'll get tired long before the book does.

Basically, you'll have to crank out a lot of sex tapes with your household items. So stock up on Lysol -- and something to clean your Lysol.

The Star Savior