Akon's boy-tossing trial

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm R&B singer Akon. In court Monday, I pleaded not guilty to pulling a 15-year-old boy up onto the stage and throwing him off the stage after he threw something at me during a concert in June. And a woman said she suffered a concussion when the boy landed on her. Now, I'm facing up to a year in jail. What advice do you have for my next court appearance?


Dear Akon,

Since you grew up partly in Senegal, your best bet in this case is the "culture" card. In court, you should tell this story, word for word: "Back in Senegal, lifting a person off the ground is the equivalent of a hug, and throwing that person onto someone else's head starts a hugging chain. When that third person shakes off the concussion and snaps his or her neck back into place, he or she is thrown onto someone else's head. The chain continues this way until everyone has been thrown onto at least one other person's head and vice versa. It's how my parents met. (choking back tears) After all these years, they still jump onto each other's heads every night."

The Star Savior

Britney Spears' kid-free car

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Britney Spears again. A judge ruled that I can no longer drive with my children in the car with me, since I supposedly failed a drug test and there is a video of me running a red light with my kids in the car. This is so unfair! What do you think I should do?


Dear Britney Spears,

Since you're not allowed to have your kids in the car, you should focus on providing more danger at home to make up the difference. Otherwise, your kids will be confused by all the new safety. The good news for you is that the home offers plenty of ways to endanger kids' lives. After breakfast, you could have one of them wash the toaster. For a little fun, you could teach them bathtub diving. They could learn to count while stuffing paper clips into electrical outlets.

It might take a little planning and work, but it will be worth it. After all, these are your kids' formative years. The worst thing is for them to get their danger from someone else.

The Star Savior

Boy George's chained-male charge

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Boy George, the former frontman of Culture Club. Police have charged me with false imprisonment for keeping a man chained to a wall at my home in London. I'm out on bail until my court appearance on Nov. 22, so I have a little time to prepare. Do you have any advice?


Dear Boy George,

I can't think of any way to improve your chances in court, but I have a recommendation that will serve you in the future: Spend this time exploring London's club scene. I promise you'll find at least one club where chained-up men are included with cover. You'll never go back to storing chained-up men at home once you've had them fresh: They're friendlier, the club will supply the chains and you'll save a ton of clean-up time. And captives don't make good conversation, since they're busy fearing for their lives. Isn't open communication what it's all about?

The Star Savior

Dog's N-word interview

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Duane "Dog" Chapman again. I finally did an interview about those recorded phone conversations in which I repeatedly used the "N" word in a rant about my son's black girlfriend. Here's what I said in the interview: “I thought that I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not. I didn’t know really know until three or four days ago what that meant to black people. I now learned I’m not black at all." I think that makes it clear that I'm not racist. What do you think??


Dear Dog,

You might be onto something. If people accept what you said about not knowing you were "not black at all," you'll be free to expand beyond N-Word Town. Just make sure to explain yourself properly. Here's a freebie to get you on your feet: "When I called that lady a b*tch, I meant it as a friendly word from one woman to another. In my 54 years, I never noticed that I had man parts flopping around down there. I grew up in a home where we never looked at ourselves below eye-level. No, I was never tipped off by all the standing urination or penetrative sex with my wife."

The Star Savior

Dog the Bounty Hunter's racist rant

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Duane “Dog” Chapman, but you might know me better as “Dog the Bounty Hunter” from my reality TV show. The National Enquirer just exposed a recorded telephone conversation in which I made racist remarks about my son’s black girlfriend, including the “N” word. I’m not racist, but I was really angry and lost my head for those eight minutes. I called the Rev. Al Sharpton to explain. He said he wouldn’t excuse my “hate language,” but he said I could show my sincerity by joining his march against hate crimes and racial attacks. What do you think?

Dear Dog,

Al Sharpton probably won’t give you the pardon you want, but you should join him for the march, anyway. It’s a huge networking opportunity. While you’re there, explain your racist outburst to Sharpton’s peers, preferably the ones who grew up in places where an arsonist would be pardoned if he gave firefighters directions to the burning building and left drinks and snacks for them. You might even meet exposed racists who paved the way for you to be caught dropping N-bombs on tape. Nothing beats meeting a legend; they can offer tips you won’t get anywhere else. I hope you’ll do the same for the next generation. Take plenty of pictures!

The Star Savior

Tracy Morgan's booze bracelet

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Tracy Morgan, a 38-year-old comic actor on probation for driving under the influence of alcohol. I was supposed to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet for 90 days, but I took it off early because of a medical condition. My attorney is supposed to explain the specifics about my medical condition in court Tuesday. Do you have any last-minute advice for me?


Dear Tracy Morgan,

If possible, you should abandon your story. It's shaky. The problem is your history of drunken driving: To the rest of us, saying you took off your alcohol-monitoring bracelet because of a medical condition means you caught the medical condition from bottles contaminated with liquor. The only medical condition that would be a good excuse is amputation. "Temporary insanity" might work, but the judge would assume it was the kind you can sleep off. This is a tough one. You painted yourself into a corner by blaming a medical condition. Have you considered lying?

The Star Savior

Frozen Paris Hilton

Dear Star Savior,

I’m Paris Hilton, a 26-year-old socialite/hotel heiress. I recently decided to have myself and my dogs cryogenically frozen. It’s going to cost a lot of money, but I think it’s worth it. Most of my cells will still be alive, so my life technically will last hundreds or thousands of years. It’s so cool! What do you think?

Dear Paris Hilton,

I support your decision to have yourself frozen, but I have one recommendation: Truly commit the rest of your natural life to doing all of the nothing you have started. You have done an amazing amount of nothing in your 26 years, but there is plenty left for you to not do. Here’s a quick tip: Every afternoon, when you wake up, do some idling right away before you find yourself busy with a full day of inactivity. You owe the world something, since you broke tradition by not showing up with a dream for Hollywood to beat to death.

The Star Savior

Britney Spears in Playboy?

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Britney Spears, a troubled 25-year-old pop star trying to rebuild a career. I just heard that someone at Playboy said the magazine would be happy to have me pose nude. They haven't made an offer, but I don't think I would do it, anyway. After my bad performance at the Video Music Awards, I'm really trying to focus on getting my career back on track. I think being in Playboy would hurt my comeback. You agree, right?


Dear Britney Spears,

Think of yourself like a boxer who blacks out after taking a nasty punch, then wakes up and wins after realizing that he's actually left-handed. This probably is the last thing you want to hear, but Playboy is perfect for you now. Your skill set has changed, so you should change with it. I understand why you might be a little gun-shy while you're rebuilding your music career, especially since you're having problems with singing, dancing and lip-synching. But you can't go wrong with this one: If you do any singing, dancing or lip-synching at Playboy, you're trying too hard. Don't let your all recent crotch flashing go to waste. Now, you can call it job training.

The Star Savior

Kid Rock's Waffle House fight

Dear Star Savior,

I'm Kid Rock, a successful 36-year-old musician. After a show Saturday night, I got into a brawl at a Waffle House restaurant in Atlanta, and I ended up spending 12 hours in the county jail as a result. Here's what happened: A guy in Waffle House recognized a girl in my entourage, and they had words. Then, the whole thing escalated into a fight between me and this guy out in the parking lot. Afterward, my entourage and I hopped on the tour bus and got out of there. We got about a mile away before the police stopped us and arrested me and five of my boys for battery. Was I wrong to get into a fight for my entourage girl?


Dear Kid Rock,

I applaud you for going the extra mile to reconnect with your redneck roots by going to a Waffle House and getting into a fight: Most of your peers simply would have gone back to the hotel and ordered room-service food or sent a roadie out to pick something up. To answer your question, yes, you were wrong to defend your entourage girl by fighting: Groupies are disposable. But the greater wrong here is related to logic. The next time you feel your redneck urges bubbling up and you can only satisfy them with a Waffle House fight, don't use your tour bus as a getaway car. With your name and picture on its sides, your bus was like a one-man police lineup.

The Star Savior