Episode 8

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

— I give Jennifer Aniston tips for fighting pregnancy rumors
— I advise Lindsay Lohan after she describes Barack Obama as "our first colored president"
— I advise Kate Winslet about her anti-fur stance

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 8" (MP3, 5:52, 2.7 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy rumor

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Jennifer Aniston. There’s a rumor that says I’m pregnant and John Mayer is the father. My spokesperson denied the rumor, but I’m not sure that people are convinced. I recently was photographed wearing a tight shirt at a popular place in Hollywood, so that might help say I’m not pregnant. What do you think?


Dear Jennifer,

To fight a pregnancy rumor, being seen and photographed wearing a tight shirt is a decent try. But you need to make a bigger statement. If people think you're pregnant, let them see you hitting a bottle of maternity gin.

This is your chance to have fun with the pregnancy rumor by letting some vices speak for you. Go out for some heavy drinking and talk about plans for your baby’s first 12 steps. If anyone looks concerned about your drinking, tell them that every baby’s first words are slurred, anyway. Go to a bar wearing a fake pregnant belly and say you’re there to lose 6 pounds.

You can do the same thing with smoking. Tell people you’re doing it to keep the baby’s birth weight under control so it won’t have a gut. Say you're smoking cigarettes to load the baby up with Vitamin Tar. Light up while wearing a T-shirt that says "Baby On Board — For Now."

If you'd like to have a few friends over, hold a baby shower catered by Camel. Either they’ll realize that you’re not pregnant or the first baby-shower game will be an intervention.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's 'colored' Obama comment

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Lindsay Lohan. In an interview, I said I was looking forward to having Barack Obama as “our first colored president.” It’s getting some attention. It's clear how much I support Obama, so that little slip-up isn’t a big deal, is it?


Dear Lindsay,

I understand your excitement about having a colored president, but there’s no time to sit back and enjoy it. It’s time to start thinking about the next election, so that Obama won’t be our last colored president.

You should use your status to encourage young people to “Spook the Vote.” You could organize a rally called the “Spade Raid.” And you could count on the full support of the colored community — once they get here in their time machines.

The Star Savior

Kate Winslet's fake-fake-fur photos

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Kate Winslet. I recently did a magazine photo shoot with supposedly fake fur that turned out to be real. It's a problem because I've spoken out against wearing fur. What do you think?


Dear Kate,

At first, I wondered why someone who is anti-fur would pose for pictures with fake fur, since it comes across as real fur and makes you look like a hypocrite. But now I get the point. It’s OK to take a stand — kind of. Now, it's time for you to spread the word.

Tell the people in Alcoholics Anonymous to loosen up. Go tell Mothers Against Drunk Driving that driving while drunk is good in moderation. And ask a few groups to ease up on child abuse because it might be a good workout. Remember: It’s OK as long as they take pictures.

The Star Savior

Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Amy Winehouse's smoking problem

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse. I checked back into a hospital this week, just three days after I spent a few days there for testing. I have some smoking-related lung problems, and my doctor has told me to quit smoking, but I’ve been struggling with it. What do you think I should do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would say you were failing by smoking after your doctor told you to quit, but I saw that you had a strategy. You weren’t falling off the wagon. You were trying to quit smoking by breaking your lungs. That’s thinking inside the carton.

You saw what your doctor couldn’t see: If you ever quit smoking, you would overdose on fresh air. That's because you are one of the great smokers of our time, equally talented with both cigarettes and crack. And you're too good at it to quit now.

But if you have to quit smoking, nicotine patches aren’t enough. It’s time to go radical.

It looks like the best way for you to quit smoking is to have your hands removed. On top of being smoke-free, if you give up your hands, you’ll lose a few pounds.

But if you'd like to try using your hands for something other than smoking, there are other ways to quit. For example, to cut down on your smoking at home, try a gas leak. At the worst, you’ll only fall off the wagon once.

The Star Savior

Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Cher's 'Vegas throat'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Cher. I recently had to cancel several shows in Las Vegas for health reasons. There were rumors that I was suffering from serious conditions such as cancer, but it was just “Vegas throat.” It happens to a lot of singers here, so it’s not a big deal. How do you think I should handle the rumors?


Dear Cher,

I’m glad that you’re doing well, and I hope you can get back on stage soon. But I think you should start using the scientific name for your condition. “Vegas throat” sounds like something a guy might pay for.

The Star Savior