Shia LeBeouf drops F-bombs

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?

Dear Shia,

People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.

Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.

Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with their parents, then got smacked around. Imagine your fans’ shock after seeing your video and realizing that Shia LeBeouf had to turn to contests with his friends to get slapped.

Imagine how your video will inspire kids who came from slap-less homes. They’ll learn that they still can go on to do great things, despite not being slapped during their formative years — as long as they can count on slapping contests and “faggot.” Maybe your video will inspire them to go home, do their chores and homework, and call their parents “faggots” to get a loving slap or two. Maybe your video will inspire a school to add a slapping period to fill in the gap for kids from low-smack homes.

Maybe your video will help our broken society realize that when a kid screams “faggot,” he’s not being homophobic. He’s begging, “Someone, please slap me.” It’s a cry for help — in the form of an open palm and full follow-through. It takes a village to smack a child.

The Star Savior

Kristin Davis and the sex-tape rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Kristin Davis, star of “Sex and the City.” There are rumors that I appear in a sex tape that was shot in 1992 and has been leaked online. Now, pictures from the video are all over the Internet, and people insist that the video and photos are of me, even though my representative has told them that’s not me. What should I do?

Dear Kristin,

There’s only one way to prove it’s not you in the sex tape: Shoot a sex tape now and release it online, so people can compare the tapes. For a good comparison, duplicate everything the girl does in the other sex tape. Since the other video was shot in 1992, you’ll need to have some technicians do an age-progression to bring the girl up to your current age. They’ll do it for free if you say the girl in the sex tape is missing. Just tell them she was last seen with a penis, and give them a penis description to put on milk cartons. After the sex tape is ready to go, schedule screenings at fine theaters like TomKat or Studs, which draw the kinds of guys who would focus only on identifying you. Think of them as a forensics team hired to spot DNA evidence on its way out.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior