Tatum O'Neal's coke bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Tatum,

You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.

There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.

When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior