Hugh Hefner's breakup

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner. One of my three girlfriends has decided to stop seeing me. I saw this coming after I told her that I don't want to be married and have children. She's still here in the Playboy Mansion, but she says it's over, so I guess it's over. What do you think I should do?

Dear Hugh,

You are absolutely right. When she says it's over, it's over, and there is nothing to keep her from leaving. But there should be. Nothing keeps a relationship going like shackles. I promise: She won't ever leave you if she can't.

You need to make a grand romantic gesture to keep her from leaving you, and the best way to say “don’t leave me” is to chain her to a radiator. That's right: Imprisonment can be romantic.

Keeping her as a captive girlfriend instead of a wife guarantees that she won’t go anywhere. If she runs away from your marriage, she gets half of your money. If she tries to run away while she’s chained up, she gets half of her leg.

A relationship with a hostage has plenty of challenges -- mostly for her. So you really have to let her know what she means to you. And don't save it for special days. She might not survive.

Let her know that money is no object, even though she is. Start by chaining her up with designer high-end shackles. It turns out that shackles have gotten a lot nicer since slavery.

For a small treat every few days, let her stand up. Every now and then, surprise her with breakfast in bed -- actually, breakfast on the radiator she's chained to. Try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to her bathroom bucket.

For a special romantic night, take her on a trip down to the basement for dinner under the bare light bulb. But don't worry about finding her favorite wine. After she's been chained up for a while, she'll love any fluid that she didn't produce.

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's son goes back to rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor Ryan O'Neal. My son has been sent back to rehab since we were arrested for possession of meth. He was sent for two weeks of detox after admitting that he had relapsed. How do you think I should handle this?


Dear Ryan,

Going back to rehab could be rough for your son, so try to make it as pleasant as possible. It might help to send him reminders of home, like an old toy that he could enjoy today. Do you think an Easy-Bake Oven could cook meth?

The Star Savior

David Duchovny leaves sex-addiction rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor David Duchovny. I just completed rehab for sex addiction -- actually, addiction to Internet porn -- and I'm back at home and ready to get on with my life. What advice do you have for me?


Dear David,

Now that you’re dealing with sex addiction outside of rehab, I have a concern: What do recovering sex addicts do at their meetings? And I need to know the extent of your problem. At the low point in your addiction to Internet porn, what did you do to your computer for a fix?

The Star Savior

Episode 4

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise comedian Sandra Bernhard, who lost work because of a rape joke involving Sarah Palin
-- I give Heather Locklear driving tips after her DUI arrest
-- I reach out to Britney Spears after hearing rumors of a sex tape

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 4" (MP3, 6:49, 3.2 MB)

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Sandra Bernhard's Sarah Palin rape joke

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior

Heather Locklear's DUI bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actress Heather Locklear. I was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription medication. An officer pulled me over after someone reported that I was stumbling and driving erratically while leaving a parking lot. I spent a few hours in jail, but I'm out on bail now. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Heather,

Most people would say you shouldn't drive after popping pills, but they're wrong. Driving while intoxicated is just a form of multi-tasking. These days, people don’t have time to run errands and then get high. To drive while high is to drive under the influence of productivity.

Since you were caught after someone saw your intoxicated driving, you should find ways to make your intoxicated driving harder to see.

Your DUI arrest happened in the afternoon, so you should do your intoxicated driving at night. And turn off your headlights. Your double vision won't be as clear, but other drivers won't see you. So it balances out.

You also went wrong by driving while high in a parking lot. Doped-up driving is meant for the freeways, where you can drive fast so people have less time to see you swerve. It’s a classic for a reason.

You also should make your car less easy to identify. For example, you should avoid having vanity license plates that express your love for prescription drugs, like "PILLCHIK" or "DOPEDIVA." And stay away from bumper stickers like "I'd rather be awake."

And don't forget the value of practice. Like any other skill, your talent for intoxicated driving can be developed. You know how baseball players practice swinging extra-heavy bats so regular bats feel light? Do the same with your DUI work.

The next time you get behind the wheel, have gin with your pills. If you hit someone, drive while keeping them balanced on the windshield. Try driving in reverse. Steer using chopsticks. Before long, you’ll wonder why you ever bothered to drive sober.

The Star Savior

Reaching out to Britney Spears

Dear Britney Spears,

I just heard a rumor that your ex-boyfriend was planning to sell a two-hour sex tape featuring you. He later said the sex tape doesn't exist and that he never claimed to have one, so you may be in the clear. But I need to know one thing: If there actually is a sex tape, were you lip-synching?

The Star Savior