Dolly Parton v. Howard Stern

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m country singer Dolly Parton. I am furious with Howard Stern. He took a bunch of comments I have made and edited them to sound racist and sexually explicit for a bit on his radio show. What can I do to keep this from happening again?

Dear Dolly,

Speaking in public comes with the risk of having your words warped by someone else. It’s unavoidable. So I recommend that you start recording your own offensive sound bites so you can control what goes into them. And there’s a bonus: You can use your inappropriate comments to promote causes you believe in.

Start with something simple like “Black people should go back to Africa — and drop off some food.” Then you could try “I hate faggots who don’t recycle.” When you're ready for it, consider “Nothing turns me on like a good fist — full of money for cancer research.” You might be uncomfortable with that last one, but it would really help raise awareness for cancer — and fisting.

The Star Savior

Wyclef's anti-crime ad for Haiti

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?

Dear Wyclef,

I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.

You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.

Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?

The Star Savior