Episode 9

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

— I reach out to Madonna after a court stops her from adopting a child

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read “Dear Star Savior” and listen to previous episodes.

Download “Dear Star Savior: Episode 9″ (MP3, 4:27, 6.1 MB)

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Madonna's shot-down adoption

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Madonna. A court recently blocked me from adopting a child from Malawi, but I'm not ready to stop trying. This girl has already become attached, so I can't give up on adopting her. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

Just because the court blocked your adoption in Malawi doesn't mean you have to go empty-handed. I recommend kidnapping.

It turns out that there is a decent selection of African kids right here in the United States. The next time you see some, just help yourself. And stock up so you won't have to look for more when you run out. Even better, if you make sure the kids aren't related, you can breed them.

To be fair, I have to warn you that raising kidnapped children can lead to awkward conversations later. If they start asking questions, you should be totally honest with them. For example, "Where do babies come from? Parks. Why isn't my daddy here? Speed."

In case you're not sold on the idea, consider this: Kidnapping is a great workout. First, you chase the kids. Then, you might have to wrestle them away from their parents before you haul them off to your car. It's like Tae Bo with an Amber Alert.

If that's not enough for you, remember that kidnapping helps the economy. Instead of trying to save their money for things like college funds, the parents will spend money producing fliers, and they'll buy extra milk to look for their kids on the cartons.

On top of that, kidnapping is earth-friendly. First of all, no children are wasted, since kidnapping is just reuse of existing kids. And if you grab multiple kids on each trip, you'll be carpooling. Otherwise, all of those kids would ride home in each of their parents' cars. Also, the adoption process wastes a lot of paper, but kidnapping is paper-free. So do it for Mother Earth. Her kids take longer to replace.

I hope this helps you realize that you don't have to go all the way to Malawi for adoption. You might find your next African kid right in your own backyard — actually, someone else's.

The Star Savior

Episode 6

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

Subscribe on iTunes

Madonna's divorce and A-Rod rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Madonna. After a long time of denying rumors, Guy Ritchie and I are getting a divorce. Now, there's another round of rumors about my relationship with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

If you want to avoid feeding rumors, you should keep your distance from A-Rod for a while. However, don't close yourself off to dating in the meantime. Until the rumors stop, you should only date guys who are totally unknown. The more unknown, the better. So I recommend the homeless.

Once you're ready for A-Rod, your time dating the homeless will give you lots of new things to talk about -- like getting shots. There’s your first trip together.

If you're not sold on the idea yet, dating homeless men has advantages. A homeless man won’t ever be too busy with his work. Even better, you would have open communication, since homeless guys love to let you know what they want. It's what they do. And when you’re dating a homeless man, he’s always up for just spending time at home -- your home, since everybody is at his place.

On top of that, homeless men are easier to buy gifts for. Once in a while, surprise him with a bunch of fresh-picked cans. Or have his shopping cart washed and detailed. For his birthday, give him a cup of change. For Christmas or Valentine's Day, get him a new squeegee. And have it engraved with an inspirational message like "Keep reaching for the cars."

It’s just a matter of finding the right homeless guy for you. Try Web sites like HoboHookup.com or BumBunnies.net. Start hitting happy hour at the nearest shelter. Hang out at public libraries, so you can snag a homeless guy right after his sink bath. Before you know it, you'll wish A-Rod smelled like pink hand soap and brown paper towels.

The Star Savior