Shia LaBeouf's drunken wreck

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Shia LaBeouf again. I was charged with driving under the influence after an accident that flipped my pickup truck and injured my head, my left hand and a knee. Police determined that I wasn't at fault for the accident, but I still thought I should check in with you for some advice. What do you think?


Dear Shia,

For future reference, your mistake wasn't that you drove drunk. The mistake was where you drove drunk.

The next time you're wasted and have an urge to get behind the wheel, do your drunk driving in places with fewer cars and more objects -- including pedestrians. I recommend drunk driving in the ambulance zone of a hospital. Most of the people there are already pre-hurt, so hitting them with your car isn't a big deal. You would be doing them a favor: Patients get a bulk discount for multiple injuries. It's best to stock up.

Even better, crashing into pre-injured people instead of cars is more earth-friendly. For starters, no matter how hard your car hits a person, they won't leak gas and oil all over the place. They won't catch fire and explode. On top of that, pre-hurt people are already at the hospital, so they won't have to do any extra travel if you smash into them outside. In fact, you'll help them get to the hospital quicker if you hit them from the back. Nobody said injury can't be convenient.

The Star Savior

Andy Dick's sexual-battery bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m comedian Andy Dick. I was arrested last week for investigation of drug use and sexual battery. The police arrested me for allegedly pulling down a 17-year-old girl’s tank top and bra, causing a disturbance outside a bar and urinating in public. I’m out on bail now, but do you have any advice for me?


Dear Andy,

This case may be beyond fixing, but I have advice for future reference: Do your out-of-place peeing in a bathroom. There’s no law against it.

When you urinate outside, you can only pee on dirt, concrete or a wall -- all of which have their charms -- or maybe a car. But you’re better than that.

When you pee indoors, the ceiling is the limit. Peeing in a bathroom doesn’t have to mean using a urinal or toilet. Indoors, you can pee on the floor, the walls and the fixtures -- all at once, with a little planning. You can hit the toilet-seat covers, the soap dispensers, the hand dryers and the paper towels. (If you want to be earth-friendly, pee on some paper towels, dry them, then pee on them again. Who says inconsiderate peeing can’t be green?)

Consider this: When you’re outside, can you pee on a condom machine? What about a diaper-changing station? That’s the beauty of indoor whizzing: the variety.

That’s just the beginning. It gets even better with the help of a bathroom attendant. Think of him as your pee Sherpa, there to help you do the most inconsiderate peeing you can. If you tip the bathroom attendant well, you can whiz in the cologne. You can unload in the lotion. Have you ever pissed on mints? It’s totally worth the tip. (You can pee on that, too.)

The next time you’re outside and you feel pee time coming, remember this: Location, location, location. Take it inside and head for the bathroom. You’ll thank me when you’ve pissed on a mirror.

The Star Savior

J-Lo's dog-bite lawsuit

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m singer and actress Jennifer Lopez. A former flight attendant claims that my dog bit her on her leg during a flight, causing her to fall and hurt her back. She says her back injury has made her unable to work, and she’s suing me for $5 million. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Jennifer,

Being sued can teach you one important lesson: Don’t let your dog make impulse bites. As a celebrity, you should have a staff of people hired to be bitten by your dog.

That woman only sued you because she was bitten without being paid up-front. Freelance bite-takers always worry about being burned by deadbeat clients. They didn’t go to grad school to be bitten for free.

However, if you’re going to invest in prepaid dog bites, make sure to get the most for your money.

For example, don’t settle for bites to arms and legs. You don’t want your dog filling up on the cheap stuff. People have four limbs, so arm and leg bite space is cheap: They could have a dog biting each limb at the same time, and your dog would be just another set of teeth. For the best value, buy your dog the exclusive rights to the torso or the crotch. That way, your dog gets the bite-taker’s full attention. One can’t multitask with teeth in his balls.

Also, don’t be afraid to splurge once in a while. For a special occasion, consider treating your dog to a face bite. It’ll cost you, but he’s worth it. After all, a dog is man’s best friend — except for the man he bites.

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's post-hospital smoking

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse again. I was just released from a hospital after being treated for a serious lung condition and being told that I show early signs of what could lead to emphysema. I was photographed having a cigarette after my time in the hospital, and people are making a big deal of it. What should I do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would tell you to stop smoking, now that emphysema is in the picture. But they don’t understand your busy schedule. I say you should smoke more to make your emphysema work faster. You’d have time to sit back and let your emphysema coast if you had a regular 9-to-5, but you’re a busy woman. You don’t have time to wait for inner decay.

It’s time to go for higher concentration. For breakfast, have a cigarette smoothie. For a light lunch or dinner, have some filter soup. For your drinks, liquefy some smokes and freeze them into ice cubes. For a sensible dessert, dip your cigs in honey.

Also, it might help to gradually quit clean air, instead of going cold-turkey. To get started, invest in a cigarette IV system or try using ashes to season your crack. To make sure you don’t accidentally get any clean air overnight, go to sleep with a lit cigarette. One man’s overnight house fire is another man’s multitasking.

At this point, it’s critical that you keep smoking. You’re too good at it to quit now.

The Star Savior

Charlie Sheen's N-word voice mail

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm actor Charlie Sheen. In some angry voice mail I sent my ex-wife Denise Richards in 2005, I used the N-word and the C-word. The message was leaked onto the Internet this week, and I'm catching a lot of heat for it. I have apologized for my choice of words, but I'm not sure that was enough. What should I do?


Dear Charlie,

I'm OK with you hitting your ex-wife with the N-word and C-word, but your voice mail is a sign of a problem: Technology is ruining racism and sexism.

It’s sad. There are people who have never used a slur face-to-face, the way the pioneers did it. Back then, showing hate was an event, something to plan a day around. But now, people like you just fire off some e-mail or voice mail, throw in a halfhearted slur or two, then go on with their lives. It's just another task on your to-do list: "Buy Batteries. Lunch Meeting. Hate."

But you can use your celebrity to help turn things around. Here's what you should do: Round up the kids, go to the nearest colored district and flood the streets with N-words. Go wherever the skirts get together, then throw a C-word festival. This is your chance to show young people what once made racism and sexism great: customer service.

The Star Savior

Shia LeBeouf drops F-bombs

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?

Dear Shia,

People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.

Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.

Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with their parents, then got smacked around. Imagine your fans’ shock after seeing your video and realizing that Shia LeBeouf had to turn to contests with his friends to get slapped.

Imagine how your video will inspire kids who came from slap-less homes. They’ll learn that they still can go on to do great things, despite not being slapped during their formative years — as long as they can count on slapping contests and “faggot.” Maybe your video will inspire them to go home, do their chores and homework, and call their parents “faggots” to get a loving slap or two. Maybe your video will inspire a school to add a slapping period to fill in the gap for kids from low-smack homes.

Maybe your video will help our broken society realize that when a kid screams “faggot,” he’s not being homophobic. He’s begging, “Someone, please slap me.” It’s a cry for help — in the form of an open palm and full follow-through. It takes a village to smack a child.

The Star Savior

Tatum O'Neal's coke bust

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?

Dear Tatum,

You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.

There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.

When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.

The Star Savior