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Dear Star Savior,Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse. I checked back into a hospital this week, just three days after I spent a few days there for testing. I have some smoking-related lung problems, and my doctor has told me to quit smoking, but I’ve been struggling with it. What do you think I should do?Dear Amy,Most people would say you were failing by smoking after your doctor told you to quit, but I saw that you had a strategy. You weren’t falling off the wagon. You were trying to quit smoking by breaking your lungs. That’s thinking inside the carton.You saw what your doctor couldn’t see: If you ever quit smoking, you would overdose on fresh air. That's because you are one of the great smokers of our time, equally talented with both cigarettes and crack. And you're too good at it to quit now.But if you have to quit smoking, nicotine patches aren’t enough. It’s time to go radical. It looks like the best way for you to quit smoking is to have your hands removed. On top of being smoke-free, if you give up your hands, you’ll lose a few pounds.But if you'd like to try using your hands for something other than smoking, there are other ways to quit. For example, to cut down on your smoking at home, try a gas leak. At the worst, you’ll only fall off the wagon once. The Star Savior
Dear Star Savior,Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?Dear George and Ellen,I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy. You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.The Star Savior
Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It’s Cher. I recently had to cancel several shows in Las Vegas for health reasons. There were rumors that I was suffering from serious conditions such as cancer, but it was just “Vegas throat.” It happens to a lot of singers here, so it’s not a big deal. How do you think I should handle the rumors?
Dear Cher,
I’m glad that you’re doing well, and I hope you can get back on stage soon. But I think you should start using the scientific name for your condition. “Vegas throat” sounds like something a guy might pay for.
The Star Savior
In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:
-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives
If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.
Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)
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Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It’s Madonna. After a long time of denying rumors, Guy Ritchie and I are getting a divorce. Now, there's another round of rumors about my relationship with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What do you think I should do?
Dear Madonna,
If you want to avoid feeding rumors, you should keep your distance from A-Rod for a while. However, don't close yourself off to dating in the meantime. Until the rumors stop, you should only date guys who are totally unknown. The more unknown, the better. So I recommend the homeless.
Once you're ready for A-Rod, your time dating the homeless will give you lots of new things to talk about -- like getting shots. There’s your first trip together.
If you're not sold on the idea yet, dating homeless men has advantages. A homeless man won’t ever be too busy with his work. Even better, you would have open communication, since homeless guys love to let you know what they want. It's what they do. And when you’re dating a homeless man, he’s always up for just spending time at home -- your home, since everybody is at his place.
On top of that, homeless men are easier to buy gifts for. Once in a while, surprise him with a bunch of fresh-picked cans. Or have his shopping cart washed and detailed. For his birthday, give him a cup of change. For Christmas or Valentine's Day, get him a new squeegee. And have it engraved with an inspirational message like "Keep reaching for the cars."
It’s just a matter of finding the right homeless guy for you. Try Web sites like HoboHookup.com or BumBunnies.net. Start hitting happy hour at the nearest shelter. Hang out at public libraries, so you can snag a homeless guy right after his sink bath. Before you know it, you'll wish A-Rod smelled like pink hand soap and brown paper towels.
The Star Savior
Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It's Don Cornelius, the creator and former host of the TV show "Soul Train." I was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence after someone reported a domestic dispute. I'm free on bail until my court appearance next month. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Don,
I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information about the alleged domestic dispute. Did you beat her while going down a Soul Train Line? And did she not call police because your punches scrambled her words?
The Star Savior
Dear Star Savior,
Hi. It’s actress Angelina Jolie. I just continued a family tradition by getting my 7-year-old son a set of knives. My mom gave me my first daggers when I was 11 or 12, and I’ve decided to do the same for my kids. What do you think?
Dear Angelina,
I think you're keeping up a great tradition by giving each of your kids a set of knives. But now you need to add a new tradition: getting a new set of kids.
The Star Savior
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