Shaq's restraining order

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm basketball player Shaquille O'Neal. My former mistress just got a restraining order against me. She said I threatened her after we stop seeing each other and harassed her with obscene phone calls full of heavy breathing. I have to stay at least 200 yards from her until I go to court next month to see if the restraining order will stick. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Shaq,

At this point, your best bet is to leave her alone and move on. You shouldn't stalk a woman you've been involved with. You should be stalking strangers.

Why, you ask? Because you can't put a restraining order on someone you don't know. It's straight from scripture.

I know it's rough after losing a stalking relationship. You might have low self-esteem, thinking you don't have what it takes to make obscene calls. But there's a brand-new restraining order that says you've still got it. The key is to get right back out there.

Ask your friends if they know any women who are interested in being stalked. (If they're not interested, stalk them anyway. That's the beauty of stalking: Every woman is available.) If you've met any women at church, give them obscene calls -- while you're in church. Join a book club and dazzle the women with your best moaning. And keep a hand down your pants. It's a great ice-breaker.

If you're shy about making obscene calls to someone new, use a wingman. Have a friend do the heavy breathing while you ask what color her panties are. Have your friend handle the moaning while you describe the state of your wiener. While you tell her you're touching yourself, have your friend hold the phone for you so you can actually touch yourself. Nobody likes a liar -- not even during an obscene call. It's rude.

But the hardest part of a stalking relationship is keeping it alive. It's all about keeping things fresh and letting her know you still care.

For example, learn the French versions of phrases like "down my pants." On her birthday, send her an obscene singing telegram at work, and make sure the song includes "smell you." During an everyday obscene call, send her a snapshot of your crotch -- just because. Nothing says love like nuts.

The Star Savior