Lindsay Lohan's response to Dad

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. My dad has been talking to "Access Hollywood" about my relationship with Samantha Ronson, and he has no right to do it. He keeps saying the relationship is bad for me and Samantha is using me, but it's not because he cares about me. He keeps going to the media to get attention. What should I do?


Dear Lindsay,

If your dad is going to the media to get attention, there's only one way to stop him: Beat him at his own game. Go to the media with your own reports, but make sure yours get all the attention. It's all about taking what he says and topping it.

If he says your relationship is leading you to drink, tell the media that your relationship is with a drink. To make it real, follow up with a sex tape of you and a gin bottle. That's right: While your dad tells the world how you're back to having drinks, you'll show the world how drinks are having you. Here's a tip: Let the bottle be in control. It's hotter that way.

When you dad tells the media that Samantha is only with you so she can write a tell-all book, you shoot right back with a sex tape of you doing a book. And try to pace yourself. You'll get tired long before the book does.

Basically, you'll have to crank out a lot of sex tapes with your household items. So stock up on Lysol -- and something to clean your Lysol.

The Star Savior