Dad says Lindsay Lohan is drinking again

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Michael Lohan, father of actress Lindsay Lohan. My daughter is in a toxic relationship. Lindsay isn't working because she's always with this girl. And she's drinking again because this girl has been passing her drinks under the table. Lindsay needs to end it if she wants to get back on track, but she doesn't seem to understand. What do you think?


Dear Michael,

While you've been worried about Lindsay's relationship leading her back to alcohol, you have overlooked a great possibility: Alcohol could be the way to break up their relationship.

The key is to make Lindsay's life revolve around booze. Have her stylist recommend using gin as soap. Have her plumbing connected to kegs. Help her find a liquor store with a breakfast buffet.

It's just a matter of selling Lindsay on an all-liquor diet. Here's a tip: Have a physical trainer tell her how vomiting works the abs from the inside.

Here's how the overdrinking plan will break up Lindsay's relationship: They'll spend less quality time together, since Lindsay will be busy with her blackouts. They'll stop talking, since Lindsay's mouth will be busy drinking and vomiting. They'll have problems with intimacy, since they won't be able to cuddle under a toilet.

But if you want Lindsay to stop drinking, be prepared to give her something to fill the void. Start by finding out what it is about drinking that appeals to her. If she drinks for the lightheadedness, get her a gas leak. If she's in it for the vomiting, she might like food poisoning or the flu. If she drinks to lose her balance and fall, get her some muscular dystrophy.

But you shouldn't worry about the chance that Lindsay is drinking again. If she's back on the booze, this time, she's doing it with a mentor. For example, on her own, she wouldn't know the proper drinking dosage: all. Think of it like a Big Sister program -- but with more flashing.

The Star Savior