Lindsay Lohan turns down Playboy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Lindsay Lohan again. I just turned down a $700,000 offer to pose nude in Playboy. The offer was flattering, but I turned it down because it's not right for me at this point in my career. What do you think?

Dear Lindsay,

You were absolutely right to turn down Playboy's offer. You're not ready for that. You need more experience with public nudity.

You're lucky to be an aspiring nudity artist, or "nuditian." It's a wide-open field. You can go out anywhere and anytime and build your public nudity resume -- or "record," as police might say. For example, strip right now and go outside for a walk. Then go home and write the date and location down on your resume -- instant experience. But building a resume for Playboy calls for some official nudity.

While you're getting started, you'll have to create opportunities to be naked. Don't wait for someone to ask. You have to work twice as hard because you'll be competing with professional nudity artists, and most of them are classically trained.

Start with an internship at a strip club. On weekends, you could donate some bare tail to help sell Girl Scout cookies. If you have the time, see if the Peace Corps needs some T&A.

To get started this week, go to an open mic and strip. Don't do a striptease or any sort of dancing. Just be naked and run through a few poses. But if you feel inspired to dance, go ahead and make a few dollars. Like they say, a stripper is her own tip jar.

Go work as a nude model for an art class -- at a preschool. Sure, colleges use nude art models, but there's a lot less competition for jobs being naked in front of kids, for some reason. Go to your doctor for a physical and strip immediately -- in the waiting room. Have your next pap smear done in a park. The next time you go work out at the gym, take a nice long shower -- in the gym. Just grab some soap and head to the water fountain.

Before long, you'll be ready to be naked in the big leagues. You'll be on top of the list at Playboy -- and maybe the state.

The Star Savior